Growing up with an unknown mental illness can cause a person to become an isolated, deprived and withdrawn from affection, socially awkward—hard to understand adult.

I was first taken to see a mental health professional at the age of 12/13 after a serious panic attack that caused me to experience extreme histeria and delusional thoughts.

Thinking that I was posses I was sprinkled with holy water and taken to an emergency room.
Little did I know that I would walk out from the emergency room and two other session afterwards undiagnosed.
Not understanding what I dealt with at the moment or later on drove me to a very disruptive and self destructive path.
I was seeking for healing in the wrong places I was hopeless and at such young age I didn’t know any better. The place that belong to God in me I was giving to the world to fill and it would just become more void.

My depression, anxiety and panic disorders due to past trauma and different forms of abuse were so severed that played out in ways that others thought or called “acting out.”
Of course, the normal misdiagnosis from a lot of teachers and adults—I was acting out, I was searching for New Hope, for something that never existed before, I had conviction that I would find it and I did.

Now, many moons later and after going around the sun a few times (😉) I can certainly say that I was wrong. I’ve found a New Hope and it surely wasn’t the one from back then.

Due to everything that I went through I grew up without friends, I stumbled upon people along the way, but didn’t meet many [not that many to be honest], even thought I did messy things…
I lived a very alone life (I dislike the term lonely). I learned how to be a teen mom—the only one I knew at my age. The only one I’ve ever met, and I learned to not have any middle school or high school memories due to that. I learned missing a lot and seeing teens my age as annoying kids who needed to grow up.
I never stepped foot into a high school and I couldn’t tell you what they look like.

Now as an adult I can certainly tell you that I’ve learned to not relate with a lot of people. I’ve always relate and get along better with older people, and I still don’t have friends or relate to people my age (I know some would say I am your friend…).

What I mean I don’t text anyone, I don’t talk to anyone on a daily basis, or even on a monthly basis.
I have acquaintances, people who happen to have the same knowledge as me on some areas or do church like me and are about sharing the good news.

The reason why I’m sharing this as a mental health coach and lay counselor is because—as humans living with untreated mental illnesses can tend to believe that the abnormal is something normal in our lives to the point that we begin to believe it and live it out until we love it.

I’ve learned how to be my own “shero”. Be there when no one else was, pep talk myself back to bed when I was uncontrollably crying at night, critique my own work when I don’t have anyone to ask after going back to school, take my own “professional pictures” and edit my own videos and cheer myself up even when they look like spaghettis in a pot.

Because I’ve lived so alone that I didn’t know who to turn to.
When people meet me today, they’ll say “I would never thought that.” But that’s is my truth, and that it the truth that a lot of people are living now.

I don’t have a problem being alone, I learned how to be happy with myself and I like being alone, I read books, watch movies, clean up, work, paint, create content, graphics, edit, write… and the list goes on and on and on.

I’ve learned to love this way of life. However, many individuals would suffer dearly if they lived this way—perhaps are suffering right now.
That’s why the pandemic shook so many people’s soul the way it did!

If you find yourself in a situation similar to this, please learn techniques and ways to cope with being with yourself. Our minds is a strong force of its own.

We were created for relationship, when God created Adam He said it was not good for Him to be alone… after all the great things He created and called “good”, The though of Adam being alone He called it “not good”. Thus, He created a woman, part of His flesh, and bones, to be with Him. Ordering them to procreate send them on. That’s why the devil is prowling like roaring lion looking for whom to devour—looking for whom to take apart, to separate and break up.

Please insist on being close to those you do life with, fight for your family, your children, your spouses and everyone you love.

I suggest that if you or someone you know, young or old is displaying any symptoms of mental illness that you please don’t ignore it. This is serious and for those who never learn how to live with being alone, they can end up feeling lonely and in a lot cases become depress to the point of committing suicide.

If you need help reach out. Help is available;
Suicide Prevention Life Line 18002738255

©️2021 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC. All rights reserved.

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