Reflecting on my journey, I’ve come to recognize the role my own codependent tendencies played in forging what I once believed to be an ideal relationship. This match, which I was certain was destined for greatness, given our different backgrounds and upbringing instead became a source of profound turmoil during my years of marriage and relationships—a relationship that nearly consumed my health and impacted the lives of my children in ways I couldn’t have imagined.
I am not taking blame for what took place neither is my intend to place guild or shame on anyone else. Whether you are the covert narcissist or the person married or in a relationship to one, it’s important to reflect and accept the role that you play in how things are going.
I’ve come to realize that my own background, my ingrained need to please and avoid conflict, made me susceptible to this toxic dynamic. Al I ever wanted was to keep the peace, be liked, and accepted—for everyone to get along. I cannot saying that my people pleasing needs kept me bent over backwards or catering to my ex-husband all day.
I would be lying if I said that. But emotionally speaking it did. I like bend over backwards to try to keep things in line, to give space whenever he needed for however long he needed and make sure that my children and I were available for whether he was ready to pick us back up, emotionally speaking.
After about three months of my divorce, moving out the house, and basically separation and no contact due to his silent treatment I started to become aware of the role that my own co-dependency played all those years.
This awareness has opened my eyes to a painful truth: I looked back at my relationship patterns and approach to them. Many of us who escape one abusive relationship often find ourselves entangled in another, repeating the same destructive patterns.
As a Mental Health and Christian Life Coach, the question I often hear is, “How do I break free from this cycle?”
The answer lies not in scrutinizing those around us but in examining ourselves—our own tendencies, survival mechanisms, reactions, expectations, and most crucially, our boundaries. It’s about understanding the ways in which our vulnerabilities have made us prime targets for narcissistic individuals, people with untreated narcissistic traits, especially covert narcissists.
It’s important to clarify that this is not your fault. You never invited the abuse, nor did you deserve it in any way. Not in your childhood or adulthood. However, recognizing these patterns is essential to breaking free from them. It’s time to break this cycle once and for all. I never provide one sided advice or information, we have to look at both sides of the coin.
People who have no idea on how this dynamics are form may never understand this approach. I am a people care, I was trained to do so, therefore I look at both parties in any relationship. I believe there is hope, that’s every one of us has much more within themselves and are more than their upbringing or any situation they may find themselves in.
The Importance of Help for Covert Narcissists
While much of the focus tends to be on those of us who have been harmed by narcissistic relationships, it’s equally important to address the need for narcissists themselves, particularly covert narcissists, to seek help. We need to create more awareness and space for recovery. Covert narcissism is insidious, characterized by hidden insecurities, passive-aggressive behavior, and a constant need for validation that is masked by an outward appearance of humility or self-sacrifice.
Research indicates that while narcissistic traits are deeply ingrained and often resistant to change, there is some hope for those willing to acknowledge their behavior and actively work on it. For a narcissist having someone that understands this close to them can be a blessing and life transformative. They need to become self-aware. Therapy, particularly approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), has shown promise in helping narcissists develop greater self-awareness, this challenges their distorted thinking patterns, and build healthier interpersonal relationships.
However, this change is only possible if the covert narcissist is genuinely motivated to seek help and confront their own behaviors. Acceptance of the wrongdoing and selfish behaviors must take place. Without this self-awareness and willingness to change, the cycle of manipulation and emotional abuse is likely to continue. For those who are affected by covert narcissists, understanding this dynamic is crucial for protecting their own well-being and making informed decisions about the relationship.
Breaking the cycle
Breaking free from the cycle of toxic relationships requires introspection, self-awareness, and a commitment to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. For covert narcissists, change is possible, but it requires a deep commitment to personal growth and the courage to face uncomfortable truths about themselves. Both survivors and those struggling with covert narcissism deserve compassion, understanding, and, above all, a path toward healing.
Research on Covert Narcissists and Change
While narcissistic personality traits are often seen as challenging to alter, especially due to the inherent lack of empathy and self-awareness in those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), there is evidence suggesting that change is possible under certain conditions.
1. Therapeutic Interventions: Studies have shown that therapy, particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), can help individuals with narcissistic traits develop better emotional regulation, challenge their negative thought patterns, and improve their relationships. However, this requires the narcissist’s willingness to engage in the therapeutic process fully.
2. Mindfulness and Self-Reflection: Some research suggests that mindfulness practices can help covert narcissists increase self-awareness and reduce the automatic defensive responses that often characterize their interactions. This can be a valuable tool in promoting more meaningful and less destructive relationships.
3. Motivation for Change: The potential for change in a covert narcissist largely depends on their motivation. This often requires a significant life event or crisis that prompts them to seek help, coupled with a sustained commitment to self-improvement.
Is It Possible to Have a Successful Relationship With a Narcissist?
Yes, it’s possible to have a successful relationship with a narcissist if they are committed to seeking help and making genuine changes. However, it requires a significant amount of work, understanding, and patience from both partners. The likelihood of success depends largely on the narcissist’s level of self-awareness, willingness to change, and the strength of the partner in maintaining their own boundaries and self-care.
Having a successful relationship with a narcissist can be challenging, even if they are seeking help. However, there are a few factors that can increase the chances of success.
Commitment to Therapy
The narcissist or individual with strong narcissistic traits whether covert or overt must be genuinely committed to therapy and willing to work on their issues consistently. Therapy, particularly long-term, can help them develop greater self-awareness, improve emotional regulation, and learn healthier ways of relating to others.
2. Patience and Realistic Expectations
Change is a slow and difficult process for someone with narcissistic tendencies. It’s essential for both partners to have realistic expectations and be patient with the progress. The partner needs to understand that setbacks are likely and that change will not happen overnight.
3. Clear Boundaries
For the relationship to work, clear and firm boundaries are crucial. The partner of the narcissist must be able to assert their needs and enforce boundaries to prevent being manipulated or emotionally drained. The narcissist must learn to respect these boundaries as part of their growth.
4. Support Systems
Both partners need strong support systems outside the relationship. This can include friends, family, or a therapist who can provide perspective, encouragement, and a safe space to express feelings.
5. Continuous Effort
A successful relationship with a narcissist requires continuous effort from both parties. The narcissist must consistently work on their behavior, while the partner must remain vigilant in maintaining their own well-being and not falling into codependent patterns.
6. Self-Care for the Partner
The partner must prioritize their own mental and emotional health. Being in a relationship with a narcissist, even one who is seeking help, can be draining. Regular self-care and perhaps individual therapy are essential to maintaining personal well-being.
7. Ongoing Communication
Open, honest, and ongoing communication is key. Both partners need to be able to discuss their feelings, needs, and concerns openly. The narcissist must work on being receptive to feedback without becoming defensive or hostile.
In summary, while change is challenging for covert narcissists, it is not entirely out of reach. Therapy and self-reflection are critical components in facilitating this transformation, but it ultimately depends on the individual’s willingness to engage with the process.
A relationship with a narcissist who is seeking help can potentially succeed if both partners are committed to the process, set clear boundaries, and prioritize self-care and communication.
Discover yourself, know when to get help, when to stay, when to walk away, and when to try again.
Be blessed and well!
With love,
©️2024 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC Assoc. All rights reserved.
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