Humility Leads to Intimacy
A key component of intimacy, as we read today, is humility. Humility brings us closer to others. It shows us to prefer our spouse over ourselves.
The downfall in a marriage begins when we think of marriage as a punctuation game where one of us has to “win”. Unfortunately, if one of you “wins”, both lose. In a marriage, both must win or neither wins. That is why partners should approach each other with humility and honesty, ready to serve one-another. Nothing will bring you more intimacy in your marriage than humiliating yourself and recognizing every defect, frustration and imperfection that you have and bring to your marriage. Not from a place of condemnation, but from a place of humility. Once you do this, then you can extend and receive grace with each other. And when do you do that? Just observe how deep you”ll go and how much you’ll grow.
The Bible encourages the husband to enjoy this life that they are given with their wives: [a]Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9 New King James Version NKJV)
Are you enjoying your spouse?
I was watching a presentation video from school once and I heard Dr. Tim Clinton say “That can be very difficult when you sit down to think about everything that separates and tears a marriage apart right?” Those words touched the bottom of my heart and inspire me write this, “tear a marriage apart”. Can you stop for a second and think what are the reason that separates a marriage?
During difficult seasons, everything that separates a relationship seems to be bigger than what unites it. We do not expect a marriage to exist without disagreement or situations that could anger us, but for a marriage to exist there must be communication, even in the midst of anger.
Approximately 90% of Americans get married, but between forty to fifty separate what this means is that one in 4 or 5 end in divorce every day-this is because of “all the things that separate us/tear us apart”.
All the burdens of life, the mental and physical illnesses, the financial hardships, work related stress, the lack of time together, the ministerial responsibilities, the children…the hidden tears and the suppressed emotions.
Then we say this is not “as it should be”. We have a false perception of what it should be—one-size does not fit all. Schedules are oftentimes overloaded in our lives and we say “I did not signed up for this”. Next thing we know we end up creating relationships where we are running on auto pilot and end up discouraged with a anguished soul that grieves the Spirit of God to the point that the Holy Spirit can no longer minister to us. We no longer hear discerning—I’m speaking to those who have a Christian faith. Yes, this is also for those who know God.
Not only those who don’t know Him perish and get divorced. No one is exempt. We can all end up from one marriage, we are all at risk.
People who suffer in marriages or relationships end up in a state of disaffection (not affection). And this happens because of pain, abuse, loneliness, stress, and all the things that are part of daily life—sometimes work against relationships. If there is a lack of communication, there is room for separation.
Nobody wants to live like this, nobody wants to be in that place, in that emotional, spiritual or physical state (because it brings physical wear too), discouragement, fatigue and even bad appearance. If we sit down to think about the things that are working against our marriages we can understand that not all the times is our spouses fault. Life happens!
Moreover, we can become the best friends of our spouses united as warriors in faith to defeat in prayer everything that gets up and in the way to bring us apart and to impede our communication.
There are spiritual wars that must be fought! There are satanic, evil attacks that are behind and after marriages because marriage is a covenant ordained by God—and we agreed to it. Marriages are a sacred institution. A marriage is a spiritual and corporal union that brings peace and strength. And Satan wants us weak. We must get up and rebuke the wickedness of the devil in the name of Jesus, and the time in which we gave him power.
Sometimes we bring and carry bad references of our pasts, of what they have told us, of what we let others say about us, and that too tears a marriage apart. We load that into our curriculum, our emotional resume, and bring it into our new marital relationships as if that holds any value—forgetting and devaluing the word of God over our marriages and lives by doing so.
The Word of God says in Hebrews 8:13 13 In that He says, “A new covenant,” He has made the first obsolete. Now what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away. (New King James Version (NKJV)
Perhaps part of the conflict it the way we show up in our marriages and in which we show love. If the way we show up and show love is not the way our spouse would like it or need it— there’s a wrong door open and communication has been lost. The love message does not arrive… it’s not that we don’t love one another, the problem is that we love in our own way. In marriages and relationships we must love the way others need us to love them, and it is in our spouses to communicate how they like to be loved. To have open communication in a marriage we must pray together so that the spirit of God reveals to both of them the path they have to walk to open and healthy communication.
We live in the microwave era, we want everything solved quickly, without having to watch it and without simmering. We seek others to solve our marital conflicts and even blame counselors and pastors for doing a poor job. We do not want to veil the hole, we do not want to cook the roast or make the soups, we just want to heat the barbecue or buy the food and heat it up. A marriage should be cooked slowly, it needs special condiments like: prayer, physical contact, fasting, tears, nakedness of the soul, talks that discover the colors of the heart and take out the skeletons of the closets to know what to pray for and how to pray for one another. Many times without realizing with our behavior and words we distance our spouses and they begin to look for security elsewhere. Security in an extramarital relationship doesn’t always have to involve another person. It can involve a hobby, a state of mind, a bad habit, or even an angry heart.
The bible says that we should not sin in our anger, which shows that anger was a God given feeling-meaning that in our anger of FAITH (hope) we can reach and achieve great things, but if we use that feeling in a negative way we can make lots of errors and sin against God.
Anger is not always a bad thing.
Expressing emotions is necessary, talking about what we feel is one of the greatest needs for our soul.
There is so much power in anger!
How can we have anger and not sin in our marriage? By believing that we can still use what we have inside, to be humble, grow intimately attached to our spouse, and apply it in a correct way. By recognizing that we can still use it to achieve what WE want.
1. Talk about your emotions: Stabilize a place where you can clearly talk about what you feel, without judging one another and then take what does not please God in prayer.
2. Manage anger (or what is unpleasant): Learn how to calm yourself how to respond instead of reacting “He who is slow to anger is great of understanding; But he who is impatient in spirit exalts foolishness. ” (Proverbs 14:29 RVR1960)
3. Act don’t react: Read James 1:19-20 as often as needed!!! Listening and Doing “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires”. That verse will teach you to act and not react. In life we need to learn how to take action, to avoid unwanted reactions.
4. Let love reign: “And if I had prophecy, and understood all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I had all faith, so as to remove the mountains, and have no love, I am nothing. And if I distribute all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, and have no love, it is of no use to me. ” (1 Corinthians 13: 2-3 RVR1960)
In a marriage we must think we can’t survive without one another, we must love each other unconditionally. We must work to keep each other healthy, safe, loved, cared and provided for—with equal efforts and dedication. We must take care of the spouse that God placed on your hands and know that you must submit to one another in daily sacrificial agape love.
Pauls said “I then, prisoner in the Lord, beg you to walk as is worthy of the vocation with which you were called, with all humility and meekness, bearing with patience one another in love,” (Ephesians 4: 1-2 NKJ1960)
Even the love we give to our conjugate, to our children, and to other people reflects what we are and how we give by grace what we have received by grace. Not just because He loves us first, but rather because we want to live to worship Him with our lives.
“For by grace you are saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God; not for works, so that no one can boast. ” (Ephesians 2: 8-9 NKJ1960)
It is necessary to fight, cry and even leave our drool and snot at the altars if necessary. God wants us to fight for what we want, love, need and believe in!
Let’s fight hard, ask God to give us the courage, anger and humbleness to fight with for what we want, to be encouraged by His Holy Spirit, to teach us the right path, to take away from us all the pain of the past and allow us to communicate with one another without anger and in the peace that only the blood of Christ can give. In the name of Jesus, Amen!
God bless you,
Denise Kilby
©️2018 Denise Kilby Life Coaching & Christian Counseling. All rights reserved.
Leave a Reply