New Hope MHCLC: A Whole Person Approach

Why It Happens, Why It Hurts so Badly, and The Healing Path.

Most Narcissistic relationships follow a common pattern. Ninety nine percent of the time, this pattern involves idealization, devaluation, and discarding. Often, it also includes hoovering (an attempt to suck you back in). Many survivors live in the uncertainty of when or if their ex partner will reappear. They live on edge and walk on eggshells. Wondering if the discard (ghosting) they’ve just endured is the final one. This can take place while living with the partner and even if they don’t. A husband or person that we live with, may very well emotionally abuse us by emotionally abandoning the relationship. This is a form of discard, and ghosting.

Understanding this cycle is key to breaking free. The “last discard” it’s about the survivor recognizing what happened, why it hurts so deeply, and how to move forward in strength. We’re not trying to understand the why for the heck of it.

The Discard Phase:

When a narcissist discards, it often feels brutal and sudden—plain and simple, it feels this way because it is! One day they shower you with attention, ball their eyes out crying to you, go house hunting, and want nothing more than you and yours…all of you. The next day (or even the same) they go to work or the store, or back to their home, and find a new interest (this could be a person, an object, or even an animal). I am not joking, and just like that they vanish or turn ice cold.

Is it really the last discard?

We won’t know until we know.

Let’s dig a tad into the several drives behind that behavior:

These are some of the New Supply Narcissists need. This is what psychologists call “narcissistic supply”. They need praise, adoration, constant validation, admiration, attention, to feel powerful and needed, seen, and in some cases even conflict. When they feel that you are no longer providing that—even if you are, or they sense that you’re setting boundaries to protect yourself from their push-pull unhealthy and heart-tearing dynamic—they begin pulling away. If at any given point they feel like you’re no longer feeding their ego, they start scouting elsewhere. Men are natural hunter. Narcissistic people are natural predators.

Once they’ve secured a new source, the discard can happen overnight. If they’re still in the process of securing this new source, they turn ice cold.

For some narcissist, new adventures, or relationships are like trophies or sources of novelty and feel extremely exciting.

I’ve been told directly to my face, by an ex “idk, it’s the newness, I guess”. When the “shine” wears off (which trust me cookie, it does and it will), they crave the thrill of conquest all over again. And go after it.

They are careful and will not go after something new if this meant making them look weak. They prefer to remain miserable in a relationship they want out of. They stay for months or years if this means appearing stable. They want to seem strong and in control. They will continue this behavior until they secure something. It will make them look like the hero for staying while unhappy. Impression management.

Like adrenaline junkies, they chase the excitement of someone or something new. They replace people “they love” for things they like, that will bring them other people’s attention. Or for other people who they get to run the same line with all over again—because my friend, they know it’ll work.

In Some Cases, There’s Deep Shame and Avoidance Beneath the grandiose facade that many narcissists carry deep-seated within.

You read it right, many narcissists do feel shame, but it’s not the same as healthy guilt or remorse. Instead of processing it, they deflect, project, or flee. Shame threatens their carefully built self-image, so they’ll run from it rather than face it.

That’s why: When confronted with accountability, they suddenly cut off contact. When criticized or exposed, they launch into rage, smear campaigns, or vanish from your life. When they sense their mask slipping, discarding you becomes a way to escape the discomfort of self-reflection.

Shame is one of the reasons they discard.

This is why sometimes that discard isn’t final at all.

Is this a control tactic? Think about it, if you chase them, they “win,” confirming their power. They’ll keep running, they like the attention and sensation of feeling wanted. They love feeling that they have something that you need and want—even it’s just closure to cut all ties.

Many times individuals never receive that closure, and the reason behind it is because a narcissistic person, needs to leave that door open. Many times they keep the door open out of genuine fear.

If they give you closure, chances are you move on.

What happens if you don’t chase? Well if you don’t, they will circle back later with hoovering attempts. Take note: this can happen only if they don’t have a new supply. Think about it like a kid with a new toy.

This is why survivors often describe the cycle as “walking on eggshells.” The discard can be both an escape (from shame) and a test (of control). Something we’ll never know.

Alright, Let’s Talk About Hoovering: Why do They Sometimes Reappear?

After discarding a survivor, narcissists often “hoover” (named after the vacuum cleaner brand). They come back around pulling you back into their orbit.

This is What Hoovering can look like:

Fake apologies: “I’ve been thinking… I’m sorry for everything.” Another fake apology is, “I was a fool.” “I don’t know why I am this way” is one more. Yet another is, “I hate the way that I am.” There are even more like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I need help.”

Future faking: Promising marriage, kids, or a fresh start. Without hard work and genuine change, they will never deliver on these promises.

Crisis bait: Claiming illness, financial ruin, or deep sadness. They may even claim depression. They send messages suggesting their life is going horribly. This is meant to trigger your empathy. To get you to keep reaching out and chase.

Casual reach-outs: A random text saying “hi…”—just enough to reopen the door.

Keep in mind that not every narcissist hoovers forever. Some stop. This may sound painful and sad. It can be especially difficult for a survivor who is deeply enmeshed. They may feel genuinely confused by the love they still feel. This could be when they are finally dealing with what may very well be, the last discard.

When Do We Know It’s the Last Contact?

Again, we’ll never know for sure, but some things could give us an idea. There are patterns, but no absolute guarantees.

The “last discard” often happens when:

They’ve locked in a stable new supply who provides everything they want. This doesn’t mean you were not doing enough. Don’t ever think that my sweetheart. This means they are never happy with what they have. Enough today, will not be enough for them tomorrow. At least not with hard work, and the help of God.

Okay, take heart, here.

They discard, because to them, you’ve stopped responding to their games, even if you live together. You know them too well, and they realize you’re no longer a reliable source of attention. They fear exposure, if you know too much or hurt their ego, or could damage their reputation. They may avoid you entirely. A final power play for their vulnerability, wounded, scared, inner child—sometimes looks like cutting you off cold. This is their way of saying, “I win.” This is not about you. It’s about them having an inner and deeper wounded soul. They have extreme low self-esteem and need to feel like they are in control of something.

For many survivors, the painful truth they try to convey is that: it doesn’t matter if it’s the last discard or not. What matters is our decision to make it final by refusing reentry into the cycle. Setting these boundaries hurt like fire burning down the soul, and having your skin peeled-off without anesthesia as an attempt to reach to and save it for healing.

What It Looks Like When They Move On

Narcissists appear to land on their feet like cats—always ready, always composed, already moving on to the next chapter.

They may: Post glowing photos with their new partner. Broadcast career wins or new friendships. Act as if you never existed. Listen here, once that fails a time or two, they do other things.

Why does it look so effortless?

They compartmentalize—they can wall off emotional experiences with surgical precision. They mirror the new person—copying their likes, speech, and lifestyle to fast-track intimacy. They crave admiration—so they perform their “perfect life” publicly to reinforce the illusion. They’ll even perform for the new person.

What you see is or what they do is not stability—it’s survival. The cat doesn’t always land gracefully; it just happens to appear smooth.

Learn The Tactics They Use (and Why They Work)

Love-bombing: Overwhelming affection to hook people in. I mean, who doesn’t like to be treated good and feel special, right? You are not to blame here.

Gaslighting: Making you doubt your memory or reality of what took place. Punishing you with silent treatment when you are wrong – we go back to the same. This isn’t about you, this is about them not accepting being wrong: Thus they react by withholding affection as punishment.

Triangulation: Pitting you against others to stir jealousy and keep you away.

Dangling: promises that never materialize.

These tactics work because they hijack normal human instincts: our need for connection, belonging, and hope. Our brains release dopamine when we feel loved, making the cycle addictive.

Ugh, Why It Hurts So Much?

The pain of a narcissistic discard is unlike a typical breakup.

Addictive cycles have taken place and we may (very-well) be addicted to this type of love. The highs of love-bombing cause intense emotional peaks. The lows of devaluation lead to deep emotional valleys. Together, they create a chemical rollercoaster in the brain. This effect is similar to gambling or drug addiction. When it ends, the withdrawal feels unbearable.

This can cause an identity damage: Survivors often ask, “Was any of it real?” Questioning your worth and doubting your judgment makes healing harder.

Lack of closure: Normal relationships can end with mutual understanding. Narcissists rarely provide that, leaving you with confusion and unfinished business.

Public humiliation: If they move on quickly and publicly, it amplifies feelings of rejection, shame, and betrayal.

Can We Cope and Heal? Absolutely!

Healing it’s not about “getting over it” quickly. It’s about getting over our sad thoughts. Rebuilding our sense of self, step by step. This is a long progress for many. This is painful. In many cases, the process can be lonely.

Take your time but don’t you stop: Keep the following in mind

1. No Contact or Grey Rock: Eventually you will be able to

Cut off all communication—no texts, no checking social media, no “just one more conversation.” For now you must survive.

If you must stay in touch (children, work), adopt the gray rock method: keep interactions dull, factual, emotionless. You are not expected to do this on day one. But you must eventually do it.

2. Retrain Your Brain: Keep repeating the same healthy actions until you master it. Do not pressure yourself. This is about consistency.

Journaling helps untangle the gaslighting and reaffirm your reality. Support groups, Coaching, Therapy, especially trauma-informed or CBT, can rewire the patterns of self-blame and attachment. Prayer, mindfulness practices calm the nervous system, reducing the addictive pull.

3. Rebuild Identity: Find yourself in the middle of this mess.

Reconnect with passions, friendships, and strengths that were sidelined. Create new routines and rituals that center you and remind you of how great you are, because you are.

4. Science of Recovery: Our brains are like butter

Research shows trauma bonds are real—our brains release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and cortisol (stress hormone) in toxic relationships. Breaking free takes time, but the brain’s consistency is that of butter—it rewires with consistent new habits.

5. Anchoring in Christ: Anchor yourself in the identity that Christ has given you!

For people of faith, spiritual grounding helps heal. Narcissists often embody pride and arrogance, traits condemned in scripture. Read about it.

A Biblical Example: Haman

In the Book of Esther, Haman is a striking example of narcissistic pride. He demanded honor, sought validation from everyone, and when Mordecai refused to bow, he spiraled into rage. His sense of grandiosity made him see himself above others, craving recognition. But in reality he has a fragile ego. One man’s resistance shattered his self-image. He would manipule, he deceived the king to serve his personal vendetta. Eventually he had a downfall: His schemes collapsed, and the gallows he built for Mordecai became his own end.

Like modern narcissists, Haman’s need for power and validation led to destruction—not just for others, but ultimately for himself. His story reminds survivors: arrogance collapses under its own weight.

We don’t wish anyone ill. My prayer is for healing for those who have survived or are currently navigating narcissistic relationship dynamics. I also pray earnestly to The Father, to bring healing, awareness, freedom, and redemption to those who are bound by this evil spirit.

Focus on yourself: Whenever you speak about your experiences, don’t focus on the person who hurt you or is hurting you. Think about how the situation you’re in has hurt you or is hurting you. Use that to reflect on your needs and God’s desisers for you.
God did not created a bunch of selfish, manipulative, and narcs to hurt us. If God has allowed for any of this hurt to touch us, I GUARANTEE YOU that our pain will never be wasted.

Whether You’re Praying for a Miracle in Your Relationship or Asking God to Make It “the True Last Discard.”
Remember, this. If you are married, and your spouse is behaving in narcissistic ways, your spouse it’s the enemy. If you just left this relationship or have recently divorced, keep reminding yourself that he/she isn’t the enemy. The evil one that rules this world is.

The narcissist’s last discard may feel like abandonment, because it is. But you don’t have to abandon yourself. This can be the turning point toward freedom, peace and healing. Let God deal with them. Whether or not they ever try to reappear is irrelevant once you decide: this cycle is over. Let God work on what you have no control of.
They may look like they’ve landed on all fours, but appearances deceive. Without healing, their cycle never ends—it just shifts to the next target. Your healing, however, will be real, lasting, and within your control.
With time survivors often find that the discard—though excruciating—is the catalyst to rebuild stronger than before. It’s okay if you can’t see it now, and it’s okay if reading this hurts like walking through hell. Take your time. Remember that God can make your heart new and help you heal. Our experience confirms: that this too shall pass.

Can narcissists heal? The answer is, yes. I am a Christian woman and my faith is placed in The Lord. Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). With the help of God, acceptance, treatment, consistency in therapy, dedication, accountability and love for self a narcissist can live a genuinely happy life. Accepting himself, loving himself, healing from the untold pains, and loving others as they deserve.

May you be well, blessed, and heal.

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©️2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC Assoc. All rights reserved.