Narcissism and Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) are both personality-related patterns, but they are fundamentally different in their core traits and how they affect relationships.
The Key Difference
Let’s read a little bit more about them.
Narcissism (Narcissistic Personality Disorder – NPD)
• Core Traits: Grandiosity, need for admiration, lack of empathy.
• Self-Perception: Feels superior to others, has an inflated sense of self-importance.
• Relationships: Often exploitative, seeking admiration and control rather than genuine connection.
• Emotional Response: Reacts poorly to criticism (narcissistic injury), may lash out or manipulate.
• Fear: Fear of being seen as weak or unimportant.
• Common Behaviors: Gaslighting, entitlement, seeking validation, belittling others to feel superior.
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD)
• Core Traits: Social inhibition, hypersensitivity to criticism, intense fear of rejection.
• Self-Perception: Feels inadequate, inferior, and unworthy of love or connection.
• Relationships: Avoids closeness due to fear of rejection, but still desires connection.
• Emotional Response: Shuts down, withdraws, or avoids situations where they might be judged.
• Fear: Fear of being embarrassed, disliked, or rejected.
• Common Behaviors: Social withdrawal, extreme shyness, reluctance to take risks or engage in new activities.
NOTE: both struggle with self-worth, narcissists mask it with arrogance, whereas avoidant individuals isolate themselves out of fear.
They can be confusing in a relationship because both narcissistic and avoidant behaviors can create distance, emotional unavailability, and a push-pull dynamic. Since everyone has some narcissistic traits (like seeking validation or wanting to be seen positively), it can be hard to tell whether someone is being self-protective, insecure, or truly manipulative.
How They Can Seem Similar in a Relationship
1. Both Can Create Distance
• A narcissist may emotionally withdraw when they feel criticized, using manipulation or silent treatment to control the situation.
• An avoidant partner may also withdraw but out of fear of rejection or inadequacy, not control.
2. Both Struggle with Vulnerability
• A narcissist avoids true intimacy because they fear being exposed as weak.
• An avoidant partner fears getting close because they expect to be rejected or judged.
• In both cases, the partner on the receiving end may feel shut out, confused, or like they’re always chasing love.
3. Both Can Seem Self-Centered
• A narcissist makes everything about them, seeking admiration and control.
• An avoidant partner may seem self-focused because they are preoccupied with their own fears and insecurities.
• The difference is intent—the narcissist is self-centered to maintain power, while the avoidant is self-protective.
4. Both Can Trigger a Push-Pull Cycle
• A narcissist may devalue a partner, then love-bomb them to regain control.
• An avoidant person may withdraw, then come back when they feel safer, creating an inconsistent pattern.
• In both cases, the partner may feel constantly uncertain about where they stand.
How to Tell the Difference in a Relationship
• Does this person care about how you feel?
• A narcissist often dismisses, invalidates, or twists your emotions to suit their narrative.
• An avoidant partner struggles to express emotions but doesn’t intentionally disregard yours.
• Do they show empathy?
• Narcissists lack true empathy; they may mimic concern but don’t genuinely care.
• Avoidant individuals feel deeply but struggle to express it.
• Do they manipulate or just retreat?
• Narcissists play mind games, gaslight, and blame-shift.
• Avoidant partners simply withdraw out of fear or overwhelm.
• Do they take accountability?
• A narcissist rarely does—everything is someone else’s fault.
• An avoidant partner may eventually acknowledge their avoidance but might struggle to change.
Since we all have some narcissistic traits (like wanting validation), it can get blurry. The key is pattern and intent—is the person controlling and self-serving (narcissist) or fearful and self-protective (avoidant)?
Exploring a person who is both avoidant and narcissistic
A person who is both avoidant and narcissistic—sometimes called a vulnerable narcissist or covert narcissist—has a mix of grandiosity and insecurity.
They crave admiration and validation (like a narcissist) but also fear rejection and avoid intimacy (like an avoidant person).
Traits of an Avoidant-Narcissistic Person
1. Low Self-Esteem Hidden Behind a Mask
• Unlike the grandiose narcissist who openly believes they’re superior, this type doubts their worth but still needs admiration.
• They may seem humble or self-deprecating but still expect special treatment.
2. Fear of Rejection and Criticism
• They want validation but fear getting too close because they might be exposed as “not enough.”
• If criticized, they react defensively—either withdrawing or attacking subtly (passive-aggressive, silent treatment).
3. Push-Pull Dynamic in Relationships
• They crave attention but fear deep intimacy.
• They pull partners in for validation but push them away when things get too real.
• This creates confusion, making their partner feel both needed and rejected.
4. Victim Mentality and Passive-Aggressive Behavior
• Instead of overt arrogance, they play the victim: “No one understands me,” “I always give but get nothing in return.”
• They may use guilt-tripping instead of outright control.
5. Difficulty Taking Responsibility
• They avoid blame by shifting it to others or making excuses.
• They may act like they’re hurt rather than acknowledge their mistakes.
How This Affects a Relationship
• Inconsistency – They send mixed signals: one moment warm and affectionate, the next cold and distant.
• Emotional Unavailability – Their avoidance keeps them from forming deep bonds.
• Gaslighting & Guilt-Tripping – Instead of outright manipulation, they make their partner feel like they’re the problem.
• Silent Treatment & Withdrawal – Instead of arguing, they may shut down or disappear emotionally.
• Resentment – Over time, their partner may feel used and confused, never knowing where they stand.
What It Feels Like to Be in a Relationship with Them
• You feel like you’re always guessing—Do they care, or are they just using you for validation?
• You question yourself—They subtly make you feel like you’re the problem.
• You crave the good moments—Because they can be warm and vulnerable, but only in small doses.
• You feel emotionally drained—It’s a constant cycle of being pulled in and pushed away.
How to Handle It
• Recognize the pattern – If they’re consistently inconsistent, it’s not your imagination.
• Don’t chase validation – They may thrive on attention but struggle with true connection.
• Set boundaries – If they withdraw or play the victim, don’t engage in the guilt-tripping.
• Prioritize your emotional well-being – You can’t “fix” someone who isn’t willing to change.
This kind of dynamic is especially tough because they may seem more fragile than a typical narcissist, making you feel responsible for their emotions. But at the end of the day, a relationship should be built on mutual respect, not emotional exhaustion.
When a Narcissist and a Avoidant Are in a Relationship
When a narcissist and an avoidant are in a relationship, it creates a dynamic where both partners struggle with intimacy but for different reasons. The narcissist seeks validation and control, while the avoidant partner fears closeness and rejection. This can lead to a toxic push-pull cycle where neither person feels truly satisfied but both stay emotionally stuck.
How They Interact
1. The Narcissist Chases, The Avoidant Withdraws
• The narcissist demands attention, admiration, and validation.
• The avoidant partner fears emotional closeness and pulls away when things get too intense.
• This creates frustration for the narcissist and emotional exhaustion for the avoidant.
2. The Narcissist Feels Rejected, The Avoidant Feels Suffocated
• When the avoidant partner distances themselves, the narcissist may feel unimportant and lash out (criticism, guilt-tripping, manipulation).
• When the narcissist pushes harder for control, the avoidant partner retreats further, feeling overwhelmed.
3. Both Avoid True Vulnerability
• The narcissist avoids vulnerability by focusing on their superiority and external validation.
• The avoidant avoids vulnerability by shutting down, avoiding deep emotional conversations, and maintaining independence.
• Neither truly opens up, which prevents real emotional connection.
4. The Narcissist May Resort to Manipulation
• When the avoidant partner pulls away, the narcissist may love-bomb them to regain control.
• If that doesn’t work, the narcissist may gaslight, criticize, or give silent treatment to punish the avoidant for withdrawing.
5. The Avoidant Partner May Feel Trapped
• The avoidant person may stay in the relationship out of guilt or obligation rather than true emotional connection.
• They might feel like they can’t meet the narcissist’s demands but also feel bad for leaving.
How This Relationship Feels Over Time
Can This Relationship Work?
It’s difficult because both partners reinforce each other’s unhealthy coping mechanisms:
• The narcissist’s need for control makes the avoidant withdraw.
• The avoidant’s distance triggers the narcissist’s insecurities.
• They may stay together because it feels familiar, but true emotional intimacy is missing.
For it to work:
• The narcissist would need to develop genuine empathy and stop seeking control.
• The avoidant would need to face their fear of closeness instead of running.
• Both would need therapy and self-awareness to break the cycle.
Without professional help, and true intentions this relationship could otherwise, ends in resentment, exhaustion, or an emotional stalemate where both feel unfulfilled but stuck.
A powerful scripture that speaks to the struggles in these kinds of relationships—where fear, pride, and emotional barriers prevent true connection—is 1 John 4:18:
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18, NIV)
This verse beautifully highlights how love—true, godly love—is not about control, fear, or avoidance. A relationship built on narcissism and avoidance is often fueled by fear:
• The narcissist fears losing validation and control.
• The avoidant fears rejection and emotional closeness.
But real love doesn’t function through fear. God’s love teaches us to be vulnerable, honest, and selfless, rather than self-protective or manipulative. A healthy relationship reflects this kind of love—one where both partners feel safe, valued, and free to grow.
Final Reflection:
If a relationship is marked by fear, withdrawal, or control, it’s a sign that love is not being perfected. The solution isn’t in forcing change in the other person but in seeking healing and wholeness through God’s love first. When we allow God to heal our wounds, we can love and be loved in a way that is free, secure, and full of grace.
I pray for healthy relationships in your life!
©️2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC. All rights reserved.
You must be logged in to post a comment.