But Releasing Them is Freeing Me
This one of very personal, but equally very healing.
The Lord told me to not hide anymore. This is me not hiding anymore, removing the mask, and breaking free from naysayers.
On February 7, 2024, I received an email that said, “Congratulations, your divorce is final. Now that the matters of your divorce are final, we would appreciate it if you could give us a five-star review.”
When I read this email, I felt like someone punched me in the throat. My stomach dropped. I got lightheaded, and I knew that things were definitely changing. I just didn’t know how. I had no idea how intense. To this day I still ask myself, “Who would send such email? Who would assume that someone wants to celebrate a divorce?”.
I was so blinded by the pain I felt that moment, that I didn’t realize until today, April 28, 2026, that the divorce was not final on February 7, 2024, but rather February 5, 2024. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel like I was punched in the throat all over again, today.
As the time goes by God keeps reminding that time doesn’t erase what was, but it can allow space to respond differently rather than react. That there’s growth that can take place in the process.
As if that wasn’t enough on this day, April 28, 2026, my cell phone also decided to create a memory of him: portraits, videos, car rides images, images with the kids, vacations, church events, birthdays, the dog, him sleeping…you name it. When I saw it this morning, I laughed out loud and said, “OK, it’s a John (name changed) kinda day.”
Every time I have a memory on my phone that reminds me of him, I do not delete it. I sit watch and hide it. Some days are harder than others and I simply hide it right away. I do not delete it on purpose because I cannot delete my past, but I can learn to look at it and move forward, to appreciate the good, to learn lessons from the not so good, and to let go. Many times, I find myself praying and forgiving again. I have to sit down and very intentionally say a prayer, release the negative thoughts. Because I’m made of flesh and bone and many emotions I have to forgive again, forgive anyone that has been involved in any hurt that he may have caused me, and be very intentional about it, because there are times that different images or memories awaken a specific or different type of pain. So I remember what took place, and I forgive him, me, and them.
The time also doesn’t take away the damage that was caused. The fact that we were left to pick up the pieces and find our own closure. But it also doesn’t remove the love that existed and the growth that we’ve done.
In Matthew 18:21-22, Jesus tells Peter not to forgive just seven times, but “seventy-seven times” (or 490), symbolizing infinite forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness in action looks very much like forgiving over and over at times.
People say that forgiveness means declaring a movement forward, but it takes a lot more than that. Forgiveness for me today means realizing that, in a week from today, it will be two years and four months since the divorce was final, and that in a week and two days, it would have been my wedding anniversary—our 10th wedding anniversary. Forgiveness means remembering that and finding peace, forgiving myself for what I did and contributed to the end of my marriage, and forgiving him for what he did and contributed.
We are called to “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:13 NLT
I’ve heard people say that they have forgiven but are still angry. Or I forgive but I don’t forget. To declare that we won’t forget is to purposely create space to remember the wrong. On other occasions, I’ve also heard people quote Colossians 3:14 in well-intended but wrong counsel—expecting individuals to say “I forgive you” and move on.
To forgive someone who has wronged us, or feel offended by we must do a lot of work that goes beyond “I forgive you.”
Although every process of forgiveness doesn’t look the same or requires the same depth of work—it requires intentionality.
How do you know that you have forgiven?
Unilateral Forgiveness May Look Like
- The ability to talk or think about the situation without an emotional trigger.
- You have no need for an apology or acknowledgment from the other person(s).
- There’s no desire for revenge or repayment.
- You can genuinely pray for their well-being.
How do You Know You Need to Forgive?
Lack of Forgiveness Looks Something Like:
- Replaying or mentally arguing about it; anger or bitterness when memories or conversations come up.
- Avoiding talking about the situation, even for your own reflection or healing purposes.
- You can’t find peace because it depends on their response or change.
- You can’t seem to pray for their well-being. You think it’s not necessary, or you pray for their salvation as a duty but not wholeheartedly.
My friend, forgiveness is not letting them off the hook or erasing the wrong they did and the pain you felt. Forgiveness is unhooking yourself from the emotional damage they caused so their wrong no longer has power over you.
Forgiveness demands healing:
Healing requires confessing the hurt, declaring forgiveness, and praying well over their lives.
Keep in mind that true forgiveness doesn’t require or mean reconciliation, but it also doesn’t keep space for anger. Anger brings roots of bitterness, resentment, and depression.
“Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace always in every way.” 2 Thessalonians 3:16
No one is exempt from pain and suffering. We all face challenges and situations we don’t even like to watch or witness in television sometimes. Life can be cruel and bring us sorrow and anguish, and is just part of being human. But there’s a truth that no one can steal from us—Jesus loves us too much to leave us in the dirt of unforgiveness. Pain won’t last forever and we have the ability to grow from it. What you’ve been through doesn’t disqualify you from what you know. What you’ve been through can help others heal.
Use the dirt as fertilizer.
Rise up again.
Reach out if you need support in your journey.
Be blessed and be well 🤍
©️ 2026 Denise Kilby NewHope MHCLC. All rights reserved.