Wanting to make a positive change in life starts with a thought that when nurtured flourishes and transforms the mind. The more we think about it, the more it grows into a deep longing longing. Have you noticed this? That deep longing is a part of you that identifies that something within you has the potential to be different and greater. That your soul deserves better.
Choosing The Harder Way
To achieve success in life and in our relationships, we must embrace the rewarding effort it takes to make our dreams a reality. While the path may seem challenging at times, it’s important to remember that tackling those obstacles can lead to remarkable growth. I understand that this might not be immediately clear when you first read it, and we are use to hearing the phrase to “work harder, not smarter”. However, sometimes working smarter means giving that extra effort, my friend, that although it may feel harder, the results can be truly fulfilling!
I mean it, seriously think about it and read it again if you have to—don’t read this like a “papa gallo” as they would say where I’m from. For the most part, no one wakes up and unleashes the negative thinking beast—“Yes, today, I want to be worse than I was yesterday.” “Today feels like a great day to start planning my future mistakes and failures.” “I want to mess up in a larger scale tomorrow, and feel worse about myself.” “So, let me sit down with this cup of coffee or tea—and let the brainstorming commence.”
I mean unless you do… which I pray you don’t and pray for you if that’s the case.
Am I wrong, though? I know no one who does this!
Let’s be real. Negative changes, just like positive ones, usually take place gradually. Negative changes are a result of neglect, careless behaviors, and for the most part, they are subtle. Those changes don’t require much effort or self-awareness. These changes feed off consistency. They don’t demand planning, thinking, or sitting with our emotions. On the contrary, all you need to be is neglectful, absent-minded, practice avoidance, and be consistent at doing so. Ouch!
What about deciding to pursue positive change?
Whether this is for personal or relational reasons. Positive change feeds from consistent efforts but also requires honesty and transparency with self and others. It requires determination—facing what is true about our situation, what we’ve avoided, and what needs correction and pursuing healing. It’s about identifying our character defects.
Every intentional step that follows becomes an act of love and an offering of grace and self-kindness.
The hard way. We don’t need to feel like doing it to begin taking action; we might simply need to want to do better. We simply have to desire to move from the thought to the transformation. That desire or want will move us in the right direction. Every time we take a step in the direction of obtaining what our heart desires, we are building emotional muscles that will mature and shape us into who God created us to be, and if we’re being honest, into who we long to become.
This Will Require Showing Up, Even When We Don’t Want To:
Keep thinking…think about it, not every day that we go to work do we feel peppy and eager to do so. In fact, most of us don’t feel like it most of the time. No one says “I cannot wait to go to work and operate under someone else’s command and agenda.” This is true even if you own a business—your customers or clients are your boss.
The great news is that this proves we can tackle hard work, even when we don’t feel motivated. We realize that taking well-deserved vacation, sick time, or PTO is essential, but showing up for work is what keeps us on track. By embracing our responsibilities, we often find the strength to give our best, which not only helps us maintain our jobs but also fosters personal growth and fulfillment in our careers.
In a similar way comes the power of surrender, and the willingness to move from the thought to transformation.
The same is true about our marriages and relationships.
There will be daily moments that feel mundane or uncomfortable, yet within them lies an emotional effort that unveils our deepest vulnerabilities. We will encounter conversations we dread and choices we hesitate to make, but these are the pivotal instances that possess the remarkable power to fortify our spirits and deepen our connections with others. Embracing these challenges is to choose the arduous path over the apathetic and effortless one. These disciplines cultivate our resilience, preparing us for the relentless storms life is bound to unleash. They serve as a testament to our unwavering ability to thrive in the blazing heat of existence, and the desire to obtain what pulls at our hearts.
Yes, showing up even when we don’t feel it.
We must embrace the uncomfortable and tackle daily tasks that reveal our emotional strengths. The challenges we may initially resist are precisely what empower us to stand strong in the face of adversity.
Unless we want to be swept away and tossed around by the relentless waves of trouble like driftwood in the ocean, we must rise up and fiercely train our minds to embrace practice, cultivate self-control, ignite self-discipline, awaken self-awareness, and embark on a powerful journey of personal and relational goals.
Old Patterns:
Too often, people cling to outdated patterns simply because it’s the path of least resistance. They misuse the DWA method in the most detrimental way, allowing their minds to wander when the stakes are high. It’s heartbreaking to see them retreat emotionally when conversations become challenging, abandoning their commitments just when change seems most daunting.
This cycle has the potential to detrimentally impact both a relationship and an individual’s future. I employ the DWA method to guide to coach the married couples from unconstructive and distant patterns towards intentional closeness approaches and meaningful interactions.
Individuals can also adopt a coaching approach to their marriages and relationships utilizing this methodology. This concept is frequently denoted as the DWA Pattern—Divert, Withdraw, Abandon. Regrettably, some individuals misuse this approach inappropriately.
Exploring the Misuse and Transformation of Its Potential for Positive Impact:
Subtle yet destructive behaviors often stem from fear, unresolved wounds, or the avoidance of discomfort.
Here’s how each manifests:
1. Diverting
Rather than confronting difficult truths or grappling with emotional discomfort, one or both partners often divert their attention to distractions—be it work, hobbies, children, or church obligations, even those seemingly positive activities ultimately serve as escape routes. In such instances, conflicts are merely postponed rather than resolved.
When Jonah was commanded by God to confront Nineveh (Jonah 1), he evaded his divine assignment out of fear and unease, choosing instead to retreat in the opposite direction. The direction that was more comfortable to him, even if this meant harm for others. In the realm of relationships, we frequently exhibit similar tendencies—fleeing from challenges when they arise and diverting without thinking into what feel better for us.
2. Withdrawal
Withdrawal manifests as silence, emotional detachment, or the cold shoulder, as individuals shelter themselves to attain a sense of safety. This often happens out of shame, and or negative feelings. However, this emotional distancing ultimately precipitates both spiritual and relational degradation. Some individuals prioritize their own needs during weekends, isolating themselves from those who care for them most deeply.
In the context of the Garden of Eden, following the transgression of Adam and Eve, they concealed themselves from God (Genesis 3:8). Shame was the catalyst for their withdrawal. Retreating—even within the framework of relationships—often emerges as a reaction to fear, guilt or wrongly managed guilt, yet it invariably undermines connection and trust.
3. Abandonment
This concept extends beyond physical departure or abandonment. Many individuals experience emotional abandonment long before they are physically left behind. Those who emotionally abandon the relationship cease to invest their hearts and forgo efforts to reconnect or seek reconciliation. Consequently, the relationship devolves into a mere shadow of its former self.
Demas, a companion of Paul, abandoned the mission “because he loved this present world” (2 Timothy 4:10), illustrating a shift in his affections. Abandonment initiates internally when love is neglected, leading to a gradual erosion of commitment.
Do you genuinely appreciate the reality in which you exist, or is it simply a deceptive comfort when contrasted with the remarkable life you could create alongside those you hold dear? Are you reflecting inward, becoming entrenched in a self-absorbed narrative as you make your decisions? Are you more in love with this present world? Is it worth abandoning the mission?
In coaching, couples are taught to recognize the DWA pattern, and to apply it the right way, to replace avoidance with awareness, and reconnect through consistent, intentional communication. Healing begins when both individuals acknowledge their personal defaults and choose a new path together—facing each other rather than fleeing.
If we are committed to growth and embracing change, we will resist those outdated habits. We will confront the growing pains head-on and eliminate our counterfeit comforts. Avoiding discomfort isn’t an option; doing so only leads to something far more dangerous: a premature, immature, and stunted emotional and spiritual existence.
The HARD way: A Healthy DWA Rhythm
Divert, Withdraw, Abandon
Here’s how we coach couples to do exactly that:
• Divert Daily
Divert daily – Make it a priority to incorporate small, enjoyable activities into each day to effectively alleviate stress and strengthen your connection. For couples, this can mean cooking together, going for a walk, sharing laughter over cafecito, praying, reading a book outloud together, having pillow talks at night, engaging in a shared interest. These moments become powerful threads of joy that bind you together in the tapestry of everyday life.
• Withdraw Weekly
Withdraw weekly – Consider setting aside one full day each week as a precious time for rest and disconnection from the demands of work and technology. For couples, this can be a beautiful opportunity to enjoy quality time together, to nurture emotional connections, and to foster spiritual renewal. Embracing these weekly rhythms can help reaffirm your sense of purpose and strengthen your bond.
• Abandon Annually
Abandon annually – It’s time to purposefully check out once (or twice) a year and cut all ties with work, chaos, and distractions. Whether you escape on a wild vacation, dive into a soul-refreshing retreat, or enjoy a blissful staycation, this is your sacred time for fierce reflection, bold reconnection, and a powerful reminder of God’s unwavering faithfulness on your journey. Leave the kids and friends behind—this is your annual honeymoon, and it’s about time you claimed it.
By transforming the DWA pattern, couples ignite a profound shift from mere reaction to intentional response, embracing each moment with passion and purpose. These invigorating rhythms not only rejuvenate but empower, safeguarding your relationship from the corrosive effects of emotional erosion. Together, you’ll build an unbreakable bond, ready to face life’s storms with unwavering strength and unity.
“You can’t build a strong marriage without time, energy, and investment. Love isn’t self-sustaining—it needs regular attention.” — Pastor and Writer Rick Warren
We must sit with the growing pains if we don’t want premature death in our relationships. Change is possible. It starts with a thought, grows with nurturing that desire, and is sustained by discipline.
Keep showing up. Even when you don’t feel like it, it’s uncomfortable or it hurts. The person God is shaping you into, and the relationship He’s entrusted to you—is worth every step.
©️2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC Assoc. All rights reserved.
