When the Victim Becomes the Narcissist
In the world of toxic relationships, a common question arises: Can someone who has suffered narcissistic abuse become narcissistic, manipulative, or abusive themselves? The answer is complex, but the reality is—yes, it is possible. It has happened. Abuse changes people, and although some break-free and heal, others may adopt toxic traits as a survival mechanism.
But does this mean every person who has been in a narcissistic or abusive relationship automatically becomes a narcissist? No. Does this mean that every manipulative person is a narcissist? No. This is where discernment is crucial because, unfortunately, cheap psychology and social media trends often confuse people into believing that any form of control, boundary-setting, or emotional response is narcissistic or manipulative.
The Cycle of Abuse and Learned Behavior
When someone is subjected to narcissistic or manipulative behaviors over time, they often develop coping mechanisms to survive.
These can include:
• Mirroring the abuser – Adopting similar behaviors, either consciously or unconsciously, to regain power. To feel or have a sense of control.
• Manipulation as self-protection – Using emotional or psychological tactics to avoid further harm.
• Control as a defense mechanism – Becoming overly controlling to prevent future abuse or chaos.
This is especially common when the victim has not had the chance to heal properly. They may lash out, develop trust issues, or use manipulation to navigate relationships. However, the difference between a person who has been traumatized and a true narcissist lies in self-awareness and intent. A person with narcissistic behavior may not be a person with NPD, this requires a professional diagnosis. Narcissistic learned behavior can be unlearn. Not everyone develops the disorder.
Women Can Be Narcissistic and Abusive Too
Narcissistic abuse is often associated with men, but women can be just as manipulative, controlling, emotionally, and even physically abusive.
Female narcissists may use different tactics, such as:
• Emotional manipulation – Guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or using tears to control situations.
• Gaslighting and deception – Twisting facts, rewriting history, and making others question reality.
• Relational aggression – Sabotaging friendships, spreading rumors, or isolating their partners. Acting out or becoming physically aggressive in public to make the other person appear as the abuser—or get the other partner to leave.
• Passive-aggressive control – Using subtle digs, silent treatment, or withholding affection as punishment.
While society often portrays women as nurturers, it’s important to recognize that abusive behaviors are not gender-specific. A person who may be nurturing to friends and children can also be aggressive and abusive. A toxic person is a toxic person, regardless of gender.
Manipulation vs. Healthy Influence: The Key Differences
Not all influence is manipulation, and not all control is toxic. The key is understanding intent and effect.
• Manipulation becomes toxic when it’s used to deceive, exploit, or force someone into an action that benefits only the manipulator.
• Healthy influence is when guidance or persuasion is used to encourage growth, wisdom, or positive change without violating another’s autonomy.
For example:
• A parent guiding their child to make wise choices is influence, not manipulation.
• A coach pushing someone to their potential is not the same as a narcissist breaking someone down.
Control vs. Codependency:
Where’s the Line?
Control is not always a bad thing. In fact, self-control is necessary for healthy relationships. However, controlling others out of fear, insecurity, or a need for power crosses into toxicity.
• Codependency is when someone’s identity and emotional stability become enmeshed with another person. They lose themselves trying to control find or “fix” the other person.
• Healthy control is setting firm boundaries, leading with wisdom, and taking responsibility for one’s actions—not controlling others out of fear.
A good example of healthy control is establishing boundaries in relationships. Saying, “I will not tolerate being lied to,” is not controlling—it’s self-respect.
Another example of healthy boundaries is saying, “I will not respond to messages after 9 p.m. because I need to prioritize rest and family time.”
This isn’t about controlling others; it’s about respecting your own needs and teaching others how to respect your time and energy. Whether in friendships, work, or relationships, setting boundaries like this fosters mutual understanding and balance without enabling overreach.
Breaking Free and Healing is Possible
For those who recognize toxic traits in themselves, the good news is that healing is possible. Awareness is the first step! Unlike true narcissists, who often lack self-awareness and accountability, people who have been victims of abuse can unlearn toxic behaviors through self-reflection, therapy, and faith. Even those diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder have hope. With professional therapy, they can grow in self-awareness and learn how to manage their toxic behaviors, breaking the cycle and fostering healthier relationships.
Key Steps Towards Healing
1. Self-awareness – Recognizing unhealthy behaviors and addressing them honestly.
2. Seeking help – Therapy, coaching, or a strong support system can guide the healing process.
3. Learning healthy boundaries – Understanding where influence or guidance ends and manipulation begins.
4. Breaking generational cycles – Choosing to heal instead of repeating toxic patterns.
5. Faith and renewal – Inviting God into the healing journey, allowing Him to restore a healthy identity.
Discernment Over Labels
We live in a time where buzzwords like narcissist, gaslighting, and toxic are thrown around casually. While it’s good that awareness is growing, mislabeling people can do more harm than good. Mislabels can take you into serious trouble. You’ll never see good in others. Not every strong-willed person is a narcissist, and not every person who sets boundaries is controlling.
Instead of focusing on labels, let’s focus on intent, self-awareness, and healing. True freedom comes when we stop repeating the cycles of hurt and instead walk in wisdom, truth, and grace with new hope and grit.
If you’ve been in a narcissistic or abusive relationship, your story doesn’t have to end there. If you’ve been abusing or manipulating, your story doesn’t end there. There’s New Hope!
You are not defined by your past, and you have the power to heal, grow, and break free—Encouraged, Empowered, & Equipped—so that you may live to your God-given potential.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing, and perfect will.”Romans 12:2
Through God’s guidance and a renewed mindset, we can rise above the hurt, break unhealthy cycles, and walk in freedom and purpose.
To lean more about personality disorder visit the American Psychological Association: Knowledge is Power
©️ 2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC. All rights reserved.
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