The Woman Who Was There
Lately, I’ve been reflecting deeply on the twists and turns life takes. Divorce is something I never imagined I’d experience again. I married in love and wanted to be with my now ex-husband for the rest of my life. I yearned for a life of certainty, peace, security, love, serenity, understanding, courage, strength, and resilience with him.
The reality is that this divorce has been heart-wrenching. It’s especially difficult when your heart still holds a space for someone who has moved on. As a mental health professional and Christian minister, I’ve spent countless hours debating in my head what I’m allowed, not allowed, should, or shouldn’t feel or share. Until what extend will I be wrongly judge.
In the midst of my pain, I’ve realized there’s an unseen picture on the other side of this heartbreak. A picture that holds growth, self-discovery, and a journey towards healing. A picture that doesn’t say, “you’re not allowed to feel what you’re feeling or you shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling because of who you are in other people’s eyes.” There’s a picture that says you’re the daughter of God. Galatians 4:7 remind me “So you are no longer a slave, but God’s daughter; and since you are his daughter, God has made you his heir.” This picture is about finding strength in solitude, learning to love oneself again, and embracing the possibility of newness and freedom.
It’s often the unexpected, unwanted, and unwarranted events that propel us into the next phase of our purpose even when we don’t see it. Divorce has been one of those painful moments for me, and there are days when it feels impossible to move forward. But I’ve come to realize that if I keep trusting God despite my very real disappointment and discouragement, there is a greater purpose waiting on the other side. Every day looks different, every day may feel different, every day I may want something different out this situation —one day I beg God for a miracle and fight with Him for the unfulfilled promises and the next day I pray that His will be done in my life and to give me strengths to let go and to please erase my memories.
Everyday I am okay with different things, and with those things being a different way. The bargaining of this grieving process so vividly in my life.
One thing that I know for sure is that God is always faithful, even when people are not. God is always reliable, even when people are not. God is always trustworthy, even when people are not. God is always committed to our flourishing, even when people are not. God’s heart and love for us are unmovable even when people’s are. It’s important not to confuse people with God or God with people. God is good and does good. He is for us and not against us— we read it more clear in Romans 8:31 “What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”
What can we say to all this pain and suffering? What can I say to this wounded soul? What can I tell my heart about it feels?
If God is for me, then who can be or could ever be against me? Not event my own self!
A day will come when we will be grateful for all we’ve gained and will hardly remember what we’ve lost. The mere sound of that is still too scary as that would mean that I have forgotten the great love of my life.
In moments like this I have to speak to myself… if you’re going through a thing similar I ask you to please allow me to speak to you my friend — Hold on. Trust in the unseen picture on the other side of heartbreak.
I know what pain feels like, I was the woman of the journey,
The one who loved without money requests,
With problems and countless flaws,
The one who took care of the wounds of every day,
The one who knew the worst version of my spouse and still decided to stay,
I loved even when it hurt me too much to stay,
I forgave for things no one else would ever forgive,
I kept silence to protect him from his adverse childhood wounds.
Today I find myself competing with someone who will never live beyond the damage goods that I loved.
“I don’t want to compete, nor will I ever seek to compete with any other woman.”
Being married often adds layers of complexity to the reality of being a woman. When we are in a marriage, we invest not just our time and emotions but also our hopes and childhood dreams. It’s understandably difficult to grasp and accept when our value isn’t recognized by the one we dedicated so much to. If you’re in any place similar than mine, I get it friend, I know how much it hurts!
One crucial lesson I’ve learned is that we cannot convince another human of our worth. People see what they want to see, and dedicating our time and effort trying to prove our love and uniqueness to someone who doesn’t appreciate it and blinded by their own damage is a disservice to ourselves. It devalues our worth and wastes precious moments of our lives—moments we will never get back.
It’s time to live our lives and let others live theirs. It’s time to keep bleeding, scaring, heeling, and not allowing old comforts pick our scab. We need to air the wound!
We can’t be the asking for healing and walking around like wounded soldiers.
We need to come to God’s feet and let Him be our surgeon and put the pieces of our hearts back together.
Untreated internal bleeding is deadly.
We need to remember that our value isn’t determined by someone else’s recognition. We should strive to live authentically, love ourselves, and surround ourselves with people who truly see and appreciate us for who we are.
Reflecting on my journey, I often think about Lisa Terkeurst and how her story with her husband was received by the Christian community compared to my own, despite being so similar. Despite the similarities in our ministries, it’s disheartening to see how social status can influence people’s perceptions and judgments. As a Christian, I’ve found that my faith has sometimes delayed my healing process. The expectations and pressures to uphold a certain image or to quickly move past my pain have been overwhelming. But in the end, we all have our unique paths and must allow ourselves the grace to heal in our own time.
If you find yourself in a position where you feel like you have to suppress to protect others I encourage you to release to grow!
You will grow stronger in this process when you let go of what you’re feeling. When you share, when you talk about it, when you write about it, when you’re honest, when you don’t feel ashamed or the obligation to protect anyone else.
This is your time to process your own pain, to grieve, and to grow.
Stay strong and never forget your worth 🤍
With all my love in Christ,
Your Coach — Denise K ✨
©️2024 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC Assoc. All rights reserved.
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