The Chains of Co-dependency

Breaking Free is Possible:

Co-dependency isn’t simply “caring too much for others or enabling wrong behavior”. Co-dependency it’s a form of bondage that quietly drains your emotional, spiritual, and even physical and sociological health and life. It’s when your identity, worth, and peace are tied to someone else’s joy, approval, mood, or stability (in any form). It’s this need to rescue, help, and bring an intense urgency to save someone else at all costs. It’s a fixated way of thinking, seeing someone, and longing that accomodates those you are in relationships with before you. You don’t only love them; you orbit them. You adjust yourself to keep them from falling apart, even if it means that you will. You continue trying to save them, even if this means losing yourself.

Co-dependency it’s not a deliberate decision to put yourself on the back burner, on slow cooking as you watch yourself burn. It happens, it becomes your way of securing relationships as you grow up. In clinical terms, co-dependency is considered a maladaptive pattern that develops when you learn, often early in life, that survival depends on managing another person’s emotions or problems. Spiritually speaking, this is misplaced trust: leaning on people in ways only God as our higher power is meant to be. While it can feel noble, it often keeps you and the other person from growing in the truth of who God created you to be.

According to Mental Health America, Co-dependency often affects those in close or intimate relationships:

“a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family.”

What is Co-dependency, Again?

Co-dependency is a devotion to another person at the cost of one’s own psychological and emotional needs. It’s a coping mechanism that develops when a person feels that their emotional safety depends on keeping someone else happy, stable, or in control. This behavior is often learn during a person’s childhood, based on lived experiences. An American Psychological Association journal suggests that “As expected, codependency was associated with lower self-esteem and lower perceptions of interpersonal control. Codependency was found to be associated with greater self-consciousness, social anxiety, and dysfunctional attachment styles.”

Some traits of codependency include:

People-pleasing: A compulsive need to gain approval and avoid conflict.
Poor boundaries: Difficulty saying “no” or distinguishing your needs from someone else’s.
Caretaking: Assuming responsibility for another’s feelings, behaviors, or life outcomes.
Low self-esteem: Feeling unworthy of love unless you’re “needed.”
Fear of abandonment: Staying in unhealthy situations to avoid loneliness.

These patterns distort God’s design for relationships. While Scripture calls us to serve and bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), it never instructs us to lose ourselves entirely or to replace God with a human savior.

Allow me to share something with you:

I was in a relationship where I gave this man the place that only belonged to God. In a conversation we had after we broke up, I told him plainly: “I had made you my god. I was enabling you, and feeding your wrong behaviors just so I wouldn’t lose you or get you upset and get the cold shoulder or silent treatment.” He pushed back on the “God” part, probably because I openly worship the Lord, and he didn’t feel I bow down to him in that same way. But the truth is that codependency is a form of worship. Any time you shape your life around someone, it elevates their needs above God’s will for us, and we let their approval define us. At this point, we have put them on a throne that belongs only to God. No matter how intensely we love, we must remain poised on self-control. We have to walk under God’s power. We can pray our hearts out to God for them if we have to. But we must keep boundaries and remember, where we begin is where they end. Especially if this is costing us our freedom. We must remember that God is the only heart-changer. Change is only willing when the other person is ready. There’s nothing we can do to make another person love us, to choose us, or stop their wrong behaviors.

As mentioned earlier, the soil of co-dependency is often laid in childhood. A child who grows up in a home where love is conditional, emotions are unsafe, or one or both parents are unpredictable learns to adapt by becoming overly attuned to others’ needs. Many times, children who parentify learn to put others before themselves in an unhealthy way, simply to keep the peace in the household.

You might have conditionally learned:

“If I take care of them, maybe they’ll love me.”
“If I stay quiet and agreeable, maybe I won’t be hurt.”
“If I fix their problems, I’ll be safe.”
“If I remain likable, behaving pretty, or doing things they like, they’ll let me stay around.”

I’ve been there, growing up, and as an adult.

From a faith lens, this is where we often begin to confuse control with care. Instead of trusting God with people’s lives, we make ourselves their functional messiah. We try to control to hold it all together, out of fear of losing control or contact. The Bible warns against this: “Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save” (Psalm 146:3). When we try to save someone, we step into a role that belongs only to Christ.

We must only walk on God’s dependency! I am not telling you what to do in your relationships. I am telling you that there’s ONE named Jesus, whom you can count on to lead your relationships.

The Cycle

Co-dependency is a cycle. Let me give you an example of the cycle: Someone you care about struggles (with addiction, irresponsibility, emotional instability, etc.).

You step in to help—bailing them out, covering their mistakes, soothing their outbursts.
They rely on you more and more, while you neglect your own needs.
With time you feel exhausted, or invisible, you become resentful, but also fearful of what will happen if you pull back.
The cycle repeats, deepening the dysfunction.

This mirrors the unhealthy “yoke” Paul warns against: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). This verse it’s not only about marriage—it’s about binding your emotional well-being to someone who isn’t walking in truth, allowing their instability to dictate your peace.

The Difference Between Love and Co-dependency

God’s Word calls us to love sacrificially, but never self-destructively. Love, as defined in 1 Corinthians 13, is patient and kind—but it also “rejoices with the truth.” True love seeks someone’s ultimate good, even if that means allowing them to face hard consequences.

Love speaks to the other person is ways that say:
“I will support you, but I won’t enable you.”
“I will walk with you, but I won’t carry your load so that you can continue to live unaccountable.”
“I will point you to Christ, not make myself your savior.” “I am willing to go with you, but I cannot go for you.” “I will always be with you, pray for you, and support you. But I must remain presently aware of my own needs, my spiritual growth, and the support I need from this relationship, from you.”

Co-dependency, on the other hand, often:

Avoids speaking up their truth to “keep the peace.”
Sacrifices healthy boundaries for fear of rejection.
Sits with discomfort.
Disregards their own moral values to keep the other person close.
Attempts to fill needs that only God can meet.

The Psychological Toll

Codependency can lead to:

Chronic anxiety and stress.
Depression and burnout.
Physical symptoms like headaches, insomnia, and fatigue.
Loss of identity and sense of self.
Isolation.
Self-abandonment.
Poor eating habits.
Spiritually declined.

When you’re constantly managing someone else’s life, you have no energy left to manage your own. Over time, this emotional depletion can leave you spiritually numb as well, because your focus shifts from God’s sovereignty to your own human effort. Jesus gave a clear antidote in Matthew 11:28–30—His yoke is easy, His burden light. If what you’re carrying feels crushing, chances are you’ve taken on a weight that isn’t yours.

Healing from Codependency is possible

Breaking free from codependency is not about becoming selfish—it’s about becoming whole again. Healing involves both practical steps and spiritual realignment. It involves and requires a lot of work. Daily work.

Step 1: Recognize the Pattern

You can’t change what you won’t acknowledge. You can begin by journaling, seeking counseling, mental health or relationship coaching. Speaking with a trusted friend can also help you see where you’ve blurred the lines between care and control.

Step 2: Set Boundaries

Boundaries are not walls—they’re property lines. They define what is yours and what belongs to others. Jesus modeled this. He loved the crowds, but He also withdrew to rest (Luke 5:16). He healed many, but He didn’t chase down every sick person. He held open arms, but never at His own emotional expense. He knew His mission and stayed in it.

Step 3: Release Control to God

This is where faith must become the anchor. And it may be the hardest part. It was the hardest part for me. I couldn’t admit that I had never truly released control. It was like setting down a ticking bomb for the experts to deactivate—then picking it back up because I thought I’d held it longer and knew better how to handle it. I did this dance for years. All the while saying, “I’ve released him to God. He’s in God’s hands.” But deep down, I was still gripping the need to control the outcome. One must pray daily for the strength to entrust others to God’s care. Psalm 55:22 says, “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you.” This is a survival strategy that can be applied to all areas of our lives.

Step 4: Rediscover Your Identity in Christ

Codependency thrives when you don’t know who you are apart from someone else. The gospel declares that you are chosen (Ephesians 1:4), loved (Romans 8:38–39), and complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10). That identity is unshakable—but sometimes it gets buried under the roles we play and the pain we carry.

I will share a piece of advice that stayed with me from Life and Marriage Recovery Coach, Emily Spigelmire. She told me:
“It’s time to release your need to save him and reconnect with who you are apart from your roles as wife and mom. You are more than that, and God wants to show you who you are in Christ. He wants to help you discover your passions, giftings, skills, talents, and purpose beyond those roles. You might start journaling around this idea and ask God to reveal who He created you to be. There are important steps you can take for your own healing and recovery—grieving your losses with God, setting boundaries, managing triggers, releasing codependency, working through forgiveness, practicing soul-care, and more. God can heal your wounded heart and restore your confidence.”

I remind myself of this daily. However, I had a hard time digesting when she said, “discover your passions, giftings, skills, talents, and purpose beyond those roles.” I initially disagreed—I thought I already knew my passion: the work I do. I have never stopped doing those things. But as the days passed, I realized what The Lord meant to tell me through her. She was right, I had lost a lot of confidence. I needed to regain and reactivate my passion—to help couples and families overcome difficult seasons of their lives. I had stopped working with couples and families out of a deep sense of inadequacy after everything I’d been through in my own marriage and with my own children. Now, I see that reclaiming that calling is part of my own healing and part of how God is restoring me.

Step 5: Seek Support

To this day this has been the hardest part. I can tell you I understand addicts beyond textbooks and case studies a lot more today. Healing rarely happens in isolation. My process and pain took me exactly to the place I knew I should had not gone. I went from loving solitude to deep isolation, from enjoying being alone to feeling lonely, and wanting to disappear from this earth out of embarrassment and confusion. I am now joining every group I can, you can find many of them in the resource page – So yeah, healing can start by you joining a recovery group (like Celebrate Recovery, or codepency anonumous, emotions anonymous or any other), finding a biblical counselor, or walking with mature believers who can speak truth into your life. I now have two therapists and join a group every other day. I have 4 different groups that I attend. I am blessed and honor God that these groups exist.

You may Relapse into Old Patterns

I have… Even after progress, you may catch yourself slipping back into fixing, rescuing, or overfunctioning. Even if mentally you may find yourself excusing behaviors and imagining ways in which you can shrink to tolerate, just to have that person close. Don’t think of this as failure, see it as a signal. Allow it to pull you closer to God and yourself. Instead of self-condemnation, pause and ask:

“What fear is driving me right now?”
“What took place before I reached out?”
“What has my environment been like?”
“Have I been lonely, sad, bored, looking at old pictures…?”
“Have I prayed about this before acting?”
“Am I trusting God, or am I taking His role?”

God’s grace covers the stumbles. Philippians 1:6 reminds us He will complete the work He began in us. I can shout out of joy when I read that!

Here is a vision for healthy relationships

Imagine a relationship where you can love deeply without losing yourself—where your “yes” means yes because you chose it, not because you were afraid to say no. Whatever that fear may be, it no longer controls you.

Imagine a relationship where you feel safe to be yourself, where you can set boundaries without the fear that refusing to tolerate a behavior that makes you uncomfortable will cost you the relationship. Imagine being able to speak honestly about how you feel, and the person you’re with shares their heart in return.

That’s the kind of love God designed—and the kind that flourishes when we break free from codependency. It’s a love marked by mutual respect, as Romans 12:10 teaches. A love that holds truth and compassion together, just as Ephesians 4:15 calls us to speak the truth in love. It’s built on healthy interdependence, not unhealthy dependence, with each person relying on God first and then offering support to one another—echoing the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 4:9–10. It’s rooted in freedom, because as 1 John 4:18 reminds us, love that’s forced or driven by fear isn’t love at all.

Word of Encouragement

If you see yourself in these patterns, take heart. Codependency is a learned behavior, and what is learned can be unlearned. More importantly, God is in the business of setting captives free (Isaiah 61:1).

This freedom isn’t about becoming cold or detached—it’s about loving more purely, because your love flows from God, not from fear of abandonment or rejection. Or fears of losing everything you have. A relationship where the love is mutual will not end because of a disagreement. We don’t have to deal with the things that make us unhappy out of fear of living in the unknown. If the known is unhealthy, it could be more hurtful in time.

As you step out of the rescuer’s role and into the role God actually gave you—beloved child, faithful steward, courageous truth-teller—you’ll find that your relationships shift. Some people will resist the change. Others will grow healthier, and you will find yourself lighter, freer, and protected. You’ll be more rooted in the One whose love never manipulates or controls.

Your worth was settled at the cross. You don’t have to earn it by carrying anyone else’s cross. That’s Jesus’ job.

Practical Prayer for Breaking Codependency:

Lord, I confess that I have often tried to be someone else’s savior. I’ve carried weights You never asked me to carry. I’ve feared losing people more than I’ve feared losing Your presence. I’ve tried to control the situation, the relationship and I ended up manipulating, and degrating myself.
Today, I lay down control. I release the people I’ve been holding too tightly into Your hands. Teach me to love with truth, to serve with boundaries, and to find my identity in You alone. Forgive me for this behavior. Help me walk in freedom and use discernment.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

If you want freedom from codependency, remember:
Healing is possible. Boundaries are biblical. And the safest place for the people you love is not in your hands—it’s in God’s. Let’s connect if you want to talk more about this.

New Hope MHCLC: A Whole Person Approach