Let’s Talk About Love, Baby…
Learn Their Love Language and Help Them Speak Your
Often times people say things like “I don’t feel love, even though they say they love me.” “I do everything for them, and it’s still not enough.” “We’re speaking different languages, I guess.”
This is because we must know what are the love languages, know ours, learn others, and help others how to speak ours.
A lot of frustration in relationships comes from unspoken needs, not because of a lack of love.
Along the path of our lives we may say or hear someone else saying:
“I wish they knew what I needed.” “If they really loved me, I wouldn’t have to ask.” “I feel invisible, even when they’re right there.”
Let’s remember that people aren’t mind readers and we all communicate differently. If you want someone to love you the way your heart understands best, you have to teach them, through clear, and kind communication.
It’s important to know our own love language.
Most of us have been hearing a lot of nonsense about “love languages.” People toss the phrase around without really knowing what it even means, and we don’t want to be one of the bunch. Learn your love language, learn others, and help others love you well.
Maybe you have been in a situation where a special someone or a friend did something kind for you, and you appreciated it, but deep down, it didn’t really make you feel loved or seen. Perhaps you meant well but somehow you keep leaving others down…because you don’t know how to “please them”.
Love don’t always comes across the way we think it does, and not everyone receives it the way we give it.
What Are Love Languages?
A love language is the natural way someone gives and receives love. It’s the emotional “code” that our hearts understands best and not everyone speaks the same one!
There’s Good News: Even if a love language doesn’t come naturally to you, it’s learnable. Like any new language, it requieres practice, patience, and a willingness to step outside our comfort zone for the sake of deeper connection.
This is How Our Brain Records Love
Let’s start by noting an important and fascinating part: our brain records love through emotional experiences, not a list of logical facts. When someone speaks our love language, our brains release oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”), that strengthens emotional trust and intimacy.
It’s not necessarily about grand gestures; it’s consistency, meaningful interactions that leave an imprint on our hearts.
The Love Languages Are: Personal and unique to each individual. Built from emotional needs and life experiences. Learnable and adaptable over time. A bridge to stronger, healthier and relationships.
They Are Not: A guessing game (clear communication matters!). It is not a way to control or manipulate others. A rigid, one-time solution. A replacement for forgiveness, patience, and deeper emotional work.
A Quick Look at the Five Basic Love Languages
Words of Affirmation: “I love you,” “You look great today”, “that was great work”, encouragement, spoken or written affection. Acts of Service: Help and support; doing chores, errands, or thoughtful tasks for others when not even asked. Receiving Gifts: Meaningful tokens that show thought and care. They feel most loved when they receive meaningful gifts, thoughtful, personal, symbolic gifts, that do not necessarily need to be expensive. The way they express love (naturally) is by giving gifts to others, because that’s what makes them feel loved. Quality Time: Focused, undistracted attention and shared experiences. Physical Touch: Hugs, hand-holding, back rubs, physical closeness.
(Hint: Just because someone appreciates a gift doesn’t mean that’s their primary love language. The key is how they feel most seen and valued.)
Our Languages Can Shift Over Time
The way that we give and receive love has seasons. Experiences like a new or long-term marriage, parenting, grief, healing, or new beginnings, can shift our emotional needs.
It’s important to stay curious, keep learning about our loved ones, and be willing to adjust. The best relationships will never be built on autopilot. We build them through daily, intentional choices to love well.
Simple Steps to Help Others Speak Your Love Language
– Know It Yourself First: Before you can teach someone else, you need to be clear on what makes you feel most loved. Take a love language quiz, reflect on past moments that meant the most to you, and pay attention to what fills your heart.
– Speak Up: With Kindness, and don’t expect people to guess. Use simple, honest phrases like: “It means a lot to me when you…” “I feel most loved when you…” Clear communication builds bridges, not walls.
– Don’t be general, be very specific: Instead of saying, “I just want more affection,” try, “I love when you hold my hand while we’re walking,” or “A quick hug before you leave makes my day better.” Specific examples take the mystery out of loving you well.
– Teach Through Encouragement, Not Criticism: Celebrate the effort when they try. “Thank you for taking the time to do that, it meant so much!” Positive reinforcement teaches faster than constant correction.
– Stay Patient: Learning Takes Time. Remember, love languages aren’t natural for everyone. Someone may love you deeply and still struggle to show it in the way you need.
Give yourself and others grace during the learning curve. Next thing you know, y’all be mastering the skill.
“Let all that you do be done with love.”
1 Corinthians 16:14 (NKJV)
Speak it daily. In words, in actions, in patience, in sacrifice.
If you’re a visual learner I’ve shared a simple, fun clip that I found on instagram showing a perfect example @denisekilby
©️2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC Assoc. All rights reserved.
