When Selfishness Hides in Plain Sight
Most broken relationships don’t fall apart overnight. They don’t explode in a dramatic, one-time event. Instead, they erode gradually, the connection fading bit by bit until one day, you wake up and realize there’s a distance you can’t quite explain. The warmth is gone. The effort is missing. Conversations feel forced, or worse, nonexistent.
How does this happen?
Sometimes, it’s not betrayal or a single offense that creates the gap—it’s a wedge that’s been driven in slowly over time. A wedge that, at first, seemed insignificant but was never addressed. And more often than not, that wedge is selfishness.
But not the obvious kind. Not the kind that looks like arrogance, greed, or blatant disregard for others. No, the most dangerous kind of selfishness is the one that hides in plain sight. The one we justify. The one we don’t even realize is at work in our hearts.
Selfishness in Disguise
Selfishness doesn’t always announce itself. It often wears the mask of self-protection, boundaries, or even wisdom. It sneaks into our relationships through thoughts and behaviors that seem small at first but slowly widen the divide.
It looks like:
• The silent treatment instead of honest conversation.
• Withholding affection or kindness to make a point.
• Giving, but only with the expectation of getting something in return.
• Always needing to be understood but rarely offering understanding.
• Holding onto past offenses as leverage for the future.
• Prioritizing personal comfort over the health of the relationship.
These things don’t feel like selfishness in the moment. They feel like self-preservation, justice, or even fairness. But when they take root, they start to do the enemy’s work for him—creating division where there was once unity.
How the Wedge of Selfishness Works
At first, the wedge is hardly noticeable. A little resentment, a moment of pride, a decision to let something go unsaid rather than addressed. We tell ourselves it’s not a big deal, that time will smooth things over.
But time alone doesn’t heal.
Instead, without intentional effort, time gives space for misunderstandings to grow, for bitterness to settle in, and for assumptions to take over. The wedge gets deeper.
Distance becomes the new normal. Detachment starts to feel easier than connection. Conversations become surface-level, and then they stop altogether. And before you know it, you’re left wondering how you got here—how a once-close relationship now feels cold, unfamiliar, or even irreparable.
This doesn’t just happen in marriages. It happens between friends, between parents and children, between coworkers, and yes, even between us and God.
Proverbs 18:1 warns us, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.”
A selfish heart leads to isolation. It convinces us that pulling away is safer than pressing in, that protecting ourselves is more important than pursuing healing. But the wedge that protects you from pain can also keep you from love.
Breaking the Wedge Before It’s Too Late
So what can we do when we recognize a wedge forming? How do we prevent small fractures from turning into unfixable breaks?
1. Recognize where selfishness is hiding.
This requires brutal honesty. Are you holding back love? Expecting people to read your mind instead of expressing your needs? Refusing to extend grace? Sometimes, the biggest problem isn’t what someone did to us—it’s what we assumed about their intentions.
2. Choose humility over being ‘right.’
Most conflicts are not about who’s right and who’s wrong. They’re about two people trying to feel valued, understood, and respected. Are you willing to lay down your pride for the sake of peace? Even if the other person is at fault, what if God is calling you to take the first step?
3. Communicate with love, not assumption.
Silence breeds resentment. Open and honest conversations—yes, even the uncomfortable ones—build bridges. Jesus never avoided hard conversations, but He always approached them with love. Are you avoiding a conversation you need to have?
4. Surrender control.
Sometimes, the wedge isn’t just pride or resentment—it’s fear. Fear of being hurt again. Fear of rejection. Fear of vulnerability. But healing can’t happen while we’re still trying to control the outcome. We have to trust God to do the work in us and in them.
Final Thought: The Wedge or the Cross?
At the end of the day, there are only two things that can fill the space between people: a wedge or a cross.
Selfishness will always create a wedge that will sever to separate—not bridge the gap, driving people apart. But selflessness—the kind that Jesus modeled—builds bridges.
Where there is a wedge in your life today, is God asking you to be the one to remove it?
Or will you wait until it’s too late? If you trust Jesus and move forward with courage and faith, it’ll never be too late.
©️ 2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC. All rights reserved.
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