Narcissism and the Lost Self: Understand the Void
Narcissism is one of those words that gets tossed around a lot these days— and many times misused.
The word Narcissist has become a kind of shorthand for anyone who displays any kind of self-centeredness behavior, opposition, is emotionally unavailable, or difficult to deal with whether this is just for a moment or years. But there’s so much more to narcissism that isn’t always what it looks like on the surface. It’s not just about ego or selfishness and it’s not always a clear pattern.
What’s at the heart of narcissism isn’t view at plain eyesight, because it cannot be measured with few interactions. Sadly to say. We could spot self-centeredness, a heighten ego, someone seeking attention, and even someone lying… but we cannot see patterns with a few interactions.
What appears as extreme confidence — it’s a deep absence of self. On The Best of You podcast, Episode 149, with Dr. Alison Cook. She describes narcissism not just as a psychological category, but as a soul-level wound (and I agree with her).
That soul-level wound disconnects someone from their core God given identity what she calls their “God-made self.”
Let’s dog in and unpack this lens with all its layers so we can better understand narcissism without oversimplifying or overusing the term. Because while narcissistic traits are widespread, true narcissistic disorder is something much deeper, harder to identify, and more destructive. Modern psychology has given us labels that are being misused, this can make people who appear smart sound stupid when they use this term incorrectly. Pop-psych has created all the lists possible “to help us identify red, orange, yellow, and green flags.” But there’s ancient wisdom that comes from the word of God that cannot be unshaken or deny. It has been naming these patterns for centuries.
Then What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is the opposite of an overflow of self-love. In fact, it’s a void within self, a black hole where a solid, secure sense of self should be. Narcissism is a lack of identity, self-worth, true self-love, value, the absence of a grounded identity that’s internally sourced, spiritually rooted, and emotionally stable.
This void leads narcissistic individuals to rely on the outside world to bring in self value, so they can feel identified, capable, and seen. They gather admiration, control, praise, or power, in fact, anything to prop up the false self they’ve constructed along the path of their lives to survive and connect. They don’t truly know who they are on the inside, they are vulnerable wounded people—so they use the people around them to plug that gap.
Here’s an important part: not everyone who displays narcissistic traits has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Not everyone who disagrees with you or hurts you is a narcissist. That distinction matters.
According to the DSM (the official manual used by psychologists), Narcissistic Personality Disorder is diagnosed based on a pattern of behaviors that are pervasive, longstanding, and disruptive to relationships or functioning.
The list includes things like:
Grandiosity or inflated self-importance. Fantasies of power, success, or idealized love. A need for excessive admiration. Lack of empathy. Exploitative behavior in relationships. Envy or arrogance. Entitlement or special treatment expectations.
Lots of people can show some of these behaviors occasionally, especially under stress or in unhealthy environments. That doesn’t make them disordered. It makes them sinful humans flawed, like the rest of us. The difference with NPD is that these traits dominate the person’s way of being, consistently and destructively. They learn to live this way to survive and without intention and help they cannot live any other way. Growing up they learn to manipulate in a search of acceptance, praise, and happiness (even if temporary).
So when people throw around the word “narcissist” casually at a bad boss, a toxic ex, or a self-absorbed friend, it’s worth pausing. The behaviors may be harmful, but they may not reflect a full-blown disorder.
There are Many Faces of Narcissism: we’ll explore two
When people think “narcissist,” they usually picture the loud, brash type — the one who dominates conversations, brags constantly, and demands the spotlight. The ones that make you feel less and belittle you in the relationship. That’s overt narcissism the aggressive, obvious, and easy to spot.
But there’s another type: covert narcissism, it’s trickier to detect.
Covert narcissists might come across as shy, sensitive, even insecure, charming, sweet, needy, caring, helpful, wounded, vulnerable, etc. But underneath the surface, there’s the same core issue: a fragile ego trying to survive by manipulating others, seeking validation in quieter but equally harmful ways. They might play the victim, guilt-trip others, or appear overly self-sacrificing, they might in fact overly give, praise, love bomb, make you and might even say “I’ve never met anyone like you” I’ve never felt this connected with anyone else”, “I just fell in love and cannot help it”, “you are all that I need.” These are the types that are 50 feet deep in a 5 days relationship. But it’s all rooted in the same void. The charm, humility, or vulnerability they show can often mask a deep hunger for admiration and control.
In both forms, the narcissist’s world revolves around protecting a fragile inner core, and using others to do it.
The Bible Gives Ancient Warnings to This Modern Words
What’s fascinating is that the traits we now label as “narcissistic” show up in Scripture long before psychology put a name to them.
In 2 Timothy 3:2–5, Paul writes:
“People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good… having a form of godliness but denying its power.”
Sound familiar?
These behaviors aren’t new. What is new is that we’re talking about them more openly and social media takes them around the world easier — with more language, more research, and more public awareness. Psychology has caught up to what the Bible has been warning about: when people disconnect from their God-given identity, their behavior becomes twisted around self. Self-protection, self-worship, and self-serving agendas.
That doesn’t mean the Bible labels people as “narcissists”, but it absolutely describes narcissistic behavior and its consequences. The warning isn’t just about personality; it’s about the spiritual condition of an individual.
So why does it feel like narcissism is everywhere?
There are a few reasons:
Language: We finally have the vocabulary to describe what people have experienced for centuries. We have been seeing controlling parents, toxic bosses, emotionally and manipulative partners. Now we have a label. That’s empowering, but it can also lead to overuse.
We live in a politically correct, performance-driven, image-obsessed, hyper-individualistic world. Social media, hustle culture, and the constant pressure to “build a brand” creates fertile ground for narcissistic traits. We’re not necessarily talking about the disorders, but behaviors rooted in insecurity and attention-seeking.
More people are growing up without secure attachment, stable identity, or healthy models of love. That creates generations of people building false selves to survive and some of those false selves become narcissistic structures.
So yes, it may seem of feels louder, because it is, but also because we’re finally recognizing the sound.
What You Can Do
1. Recognize the pattern, but don’t rush to label.
Ask yourself: Is this a consistent pattern of control, lack of empathy, and self-centeredness? Or is this someone going through a rough season or acting out of pain?
Use discernment. Labels can be helpful for clarity, but harmful when weaponized.
2. Set boundaries like your life depends on it.
Narcissists; especially the covert ones — will test your limits and make you feel guilty for having any. Hold the line. Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re protection.
3. Don’t try to fix or save them.
Their healing isn’t your responsibility. Especially if they’re not even willing to admit there’s a problem. Your peace matters more than their approval.
4. Reconnect with your own God-made self.
You don’t overcome narcissistic patterns by mirroring them or shrinking in response. You heal by standing rooted in who you really are: loved, worthy, and not responsible for filling someone else’s void.
Final Thoughts
Narcissism isn’t just a trend or a buzzword it’s a reflection of what happens when people lose touch with their true identity. Whether it shows up as arrogance or quiet manipulation, the root is the same: a soul trying to survive without a center.
Modern psychology gives us tools to understand it. The Bible gives us wisdom to recognize it. And our own healing gives us the strength to walk away from it when we need to — and return to ourselves.
You don’t need to diagnose everyone. But you do need to discern who drains you, who uses you, and who can’t truly see you.
Because at the end of the day, narcissism isn’t about them being too full of themselves — it’s about them being disconnected from the truth of who they are.
What’s your job here? Stay connected to the truth of who you are — no matter what.
©️2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC Assoc. All rights reserved.
