Love Through Conflicts
Valentine’s Day is often painted as a picture-perfect celebration of love, or friendships with flowers, chocolates, and candlelit dinners. But real love isn’t just about the good moments; real love isn’t linear, pink, red, and white hearts and roses.
Real love is about navigating challenges together. Love isn’t just about avoiding fights—it’s about learning how to fight the right way. – DK
A strong relationship isn’t one that never argues, but one that faces disagreements with respect, understanding, and the goal of growing together.
In my “Coach Your Own Marriage” Coaching Course I cover a lot of information to help couples FIGHT RIGHT!
But before we can coach our relationships there are some things we need to learn and understand:
1. Love Is Worth Fighting For—But Not Against Each Other
Many people assume that fighting means something is wrong in a relationship. But the absence of conflict doesn’t mean the presence of love—it could mean issues are being ignored. The key is to fight for your relationship, not against your partner. This means shifting from a mindset of “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.”
• Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when we talk about this. Can we figure out a better way to communicate?”
• Instead of assuming intent (“You don’t care about how I feel”), ask questions (“I want to understand where you’re coming from. Can we talk about this?”)
2. The Rules of Fair Fighting
Love calls us to fight fair, not dirty. Here are a few ground rules for healthy disagreements:
• Listen to understand, not to respond – Don’t plan your defense while your partner is talking; truly hear them out.
• No name-calling, insults, or bringing up the past – Stick to the issue at hand.
• Take breaks when needed – If emotions are running too high, step away and come back when you’re both calmer.
• Use “I” statements instead of “you” accusations – This reduces defensiveness and opens up dialogue.
• Seek resolution, not victory – The goal isn’t to win an argument but to strengthen the relationship.
• Don’t inflict new wounds that will trigger old responses and ignore your actions.
• Be accountable for your actions—your deposits and withdrawals matter.
3. Facing the Elephants in the Room
Ignoring issues doesn’t make them disappear—it allows them to grow in silence. Whether it’s unspoken resentment, unmet needs, or lingering doubts, true love means having the courage to bring those issues to light.
• Are there needs that aren’t being met, but you’re afraid to bring them up?
• Do you both avoid certain conversations because they feel too uncomfortable?
• Are external stresses (family, work, finances) creating tension, but you’re not acknowledging their impact?
Healthy relationships require honesty, even when it’s hard.
4. Self-Love: The Foundation of Fighting Right
Loving someone else well starts with loving yourself well. If you don’t respect your own feelings, boundaries, and worth, you may struggle to navigate conflict in a healthy way.
• Know your triggers – Are past wounds influencing how you react? Are new wounds triggering old ones?
• Set and communicate boundaries – Love doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment.
• Practice self-regulation – Learn to manage your emotions so you don’t react impulsively.
When you value yourself, you set the tone for how others should treat you—and how you should treat them.
Love That Stands the Test of Time
Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love, but true love isn’t just about romantic gestures—it’s about showing up for each other, even in difficult conversations. The strongest relationships aren’t the ones that never fight but the ones that fight right, communicate openly, and choose love every day.
This Valentine’s Day, don’t just focus on the roses and chocolates. Focus on the real work of love—the kind that lasts beyond February 14th.
Love and marriage can be sweet, fulfilling, and deeply satisfying—but just like desserts, they require the right ingredients, patience, and care to turn out well. In relationships, disagreements are inevitable, but how we handle them determines whether love grows richer or crumbles under pressure.
Love is Like a Cake
Love is like baking a cake—it requires the right balance of ingredients. Too much sugar, and it’s overwhelming. Too little, and it’s bland. Just like love, if one person gives all the effort while the other takes, the relationship becomes unbalanced. On the other hand, if love is nurtured with kindness, respect, and patience, it rises beautifully. But be careful—if you rush the process, it might collapse under pressure. When conflicts arise, fighting the right way means ensuring your words and actions don’t “overbake” and burn what was meant to be sweet.
Marriage is Like a Flan
Marriage, on the other hand, is like flan—smooth, rich, and best when it has time to set. The caramel layer at the bottom represents the sweetness that’s sometimes hidden beneath life’s struggles. When flipped over, it reveals the beauty of what’s been patiently cultivated. In marriage, there will be moments when things feel upside down, but if you hold on, the sweetness will rise to the surface. The key to fighting the right way in marriage is to remember that, just like flan, a good marriage requires patience, consistency, and the willingness to embrace challenges as part of the process.
Fighting the Right Way in Love
Disagreements don’t have to be destructive; they can be refining. The goal isn’t to win the argument but to strengthen the relationship. Love fights to understand, not to tear down. It listens, speaks with grace, and seeks reconciliation, not retaliation.
“Do everything in love.” – 1 Corinthians 16:14 (NIV)
This Valentine’s Day, let love be like a well-balanced cake—rich, tender, and nurtured with care. Let marriage be like flan—patient, steady, and sweet, even in the moments when life turns things upside down. And when disagreements come, fight the right way—because love, when tended to with wisdom, will always be worth it.
Be well, be blessed, and be loved 🤍
©️2025 Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC. All rights reserved.
