“Why I am I the closes to you when I’m going through the toughest days, I want to be that close, every single day.”
During my conversational prayer with the Lord this morning I decided that I would be honest with myself; because I felt like I’ve been living rather very busy life lately. If you’re a subscriber to my emails and to this blog or are one my clients you have probably noticed a decreased in content I’ve been making available to the general public.
So, as I wrestled with being honest, and battled with admitting what was already clearly known by God, I realized that this is the second day I find myself speaking to God about “my busy agenda” and “apologizing to Him for not giving Him, as much undivided attention as I used to.” As I continued I prayed, for a lot of people a series of situation and thanked Him for so many things and felt so much better… I then got up from my bed to shower, pumped up with intentions to get going with my day.
All of a sudden while getting ready to shower I find myself praying again (the bathroom is usually my prayer room–my war room). So I kept praying to God, and my prayers turned into sobbing and complaining, personal, honest, opened, and real Jesus bleeding-wounds cross carrying on His way to mount Calvary crying to His Father type of prayer and supplication.
I felt like God heard my prayers, as every morning’s before I left the bed, but He also knew that in my honesty I was leaving so much inside that He needed me to surrender so He could fix it, for Him to work on. After I told Him how burden I felt, and everything I disliked, I showered and got ready to do spring cleaning on my yard, and go on with my day.
As soon I got out the shower, I got a phone call–the caller ID read “My Mother” to my amazing surprise and to be honest unusual, it was a pleasant mood booster phone call and she wanted to come over. Mom needed a ride. I said of course. My husband was on his way to the auto parts store to pick up some paint to work on his motorcycle, he had crashed almost two weeks ago and left him with a broken wrist. I asked him if he mind, he said he didn’t (another great surprise) she lives a town over.
So she came over, and I went under the deck, to get started…after these massive snow storms that we had this winter and a year of low activities thanks to Covid-19 my yard was terribly affected by it all. I went in the shed, picked up a rake and asked mom if she needed one. She said yes, but she looked more like she could go to a fancy mall instead so I told her to stay back as much as possible.
Lo and behold the enemy started swinging my mood around and playing with my emotions. No training or practice seem to be working, I was full human [I am fully human], I kept telling God, I need an intervention to think different than I do now. I am not perfect. I don’t want to feel this way and it’s easier to counsel someone and have them apply what you teach them the apply certain things to yourself. HOLY SPIRIT be my COUNSELOR.
The enemy kept showing me my husband working on bike with one arm while I’m here working on this huge yard with a chronic pain condition. All the “why’s” started to show up my friends…I couldn’t seem to find any “what’s” at the moment [where are they when I need them]. Why am I going through this, why does my mom had to witness this, why is my husband always traveling for work and now that he’s local he can’t give me he’s good hand, why are my teens still in bed, why I can’t have my family work like I can help my client’s, why I always want EVERYTHING PERFECT (yikes hehehe).
Suddenly I was smacked with a “what”. What have I learned from all the things I’ve had to do alone in this life. I started to praise and worship God, I thanked Him. I called His presence in my life, in my yard, in my house, over my children, in my children’s life, I rebuked all spirit of distraction from all the “what’s” of God. All spirits of laziness, all spirit that didn’t belong to God, selfishness, abandonment, lack of love, gossip and kept doing it and thanking God.
God is always looking for a way to show what a great God He is, what a new thing He is doing, what we’ve become as individuals, how capable we are of doing things alone, how much He’s equipped us…the list goes on.
Years back I couldn’t rake because of how severe and uncontrolled my pain from my herniated disks and fibromyalia was, now I am able to do so much, almost pain free and most importantly medication free.
I had a tough, tough day. I cried, fought and talked to God almost all day [more than all week perhaps]. And at the end of my day I found myself standing outback enjoying the sunset from my deck while I read a book, saying “thank you God, what a day, no doubt that in the hardest day I talk to you the most” only to be reminded that in my morning prayer that was one of the things I confessed.
At the end of the day, we are humans, imperfect, we must be flexible, give ourselves grace, forgive, live, love and talk to ourselves the same way we talk to those we love the most. God loves us beyond measurements. Let’s be intentional in seeking that love and multiplying it with those who need it the most. To see a picture of my sunset visit my my Instagram Page @denisekilby._
“Why I am I the closes to you when I’m going through the toughest days, I want to be that close, every single day.”
God will allow whatever it takes my friends!
With my love in Christ,
Denise K.
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Denise Kilby New Hope MHCLC Assoc. 