Generation Z Managing Stress

Let’s try to understand others shall we…

Sometimes as I look at my 19 year old son I think “he doesn’t even put any effort into trying to think” (is that even such a thing) okay judging free zone like planet fitness—don’t judge me—truth is that he thinks a lot more than I can even or ever imagine. I actually believe he is a lot like me (more than I’d like to admit right now) he studies people observes the world, the way people treat each other, the way people live, the way that I am, what I say verbally and non-verbally, the way I judge verbally and non-verbally as well, he is maturing in silence and even stressing in silence as well.

Is like when he does speaks he is letting out in two or three phrases everything he hasn’t said in two or three months. Have you ever wonder what this generation Z (young people full of silent life) think about? Gosh scary to think…but if you want to know i recommend you play a “Tell me something about your and how you feel” game with them— I’ll tell you more about it in a sec, but truth is that they might not tell you much while they are put on the spot (or sat in the hot chair) but the minute you start talking about them or trying to describe who they are or give them identity as a parent whether  in a jokingly manner or not boy I tell ya’!

Interesting, huh… well reason why I talk about this is because as I was saying he thinks a lot more than I can (or want to) imagine. The way that he manages stress is very different (and important for me to understand as a mom) than the way that I do. A lot of parents or adults don’t know how to talk to generation Z or how to approach them, they believe that they are silent in their own world and absolutely absent in the “reality” of the one we live in.

As a mom of three beautiful souls of this generation I was moved today to write a quick post to inspire my friends (all of you) and lovely readers to try to understand our younger generation, whether they are friends, neighbors, co-workers, siblings, step-kids, OUR OWN children, kids of friends , or an extended relative…etc.

Children let’s not expect but instead listen to their silent and respect their short phrases, make sense to their words and appreciate their feedback.—Denise

My 19 yr old son said to me yesterday that “I always thought I was right” in a little game that my 11 year old decided we driving to my mom’s house, called “Say something about yourself and how you feel” (the game I mentioned earlier). And I genuinely value his feedback and prayed about it, I so hope that I can listen to him more and allow him to express himself more as well (whether verbally or non-verbally), & that I can learn how to listen to him and understand him as well. Because as a coach and counselor I perhaps may be leading and guiding, directing all the time and not precisely doing much listening in my own family just because I posses a believe that “I know what I’m talking about and I can help” attitude and instead I am sending the wrong message because those are not my intentions. I have a lot to learn and my intentions are for all of us to grow together.

Perhaps I am not allowing them to talk, and they are stressed out, I thought (he wasn’t the only one to talk… it was pretty funny and things got interesting with the youngest one too-but real to me), while they were joking I was analyzing everything,  they are bottling stress and this can hinder their happiness and perhaps their future. I am not trying to shut them off (perhaps you’re not either) but they think that I am Mrs. Know it all and that they are “Team don’t have a voice/chance”. And that is not the case.

There’s is a part in the brain that is not fully develop until age 25, therefore they’re are not fully capable of comprehending and understanding things that someone over the age of 25 would be able to.

They escape, and focus on finding refugee to social media and use it as a source to “relieve stress” from annoying mom and dad. Social media is a stressor for young people today (for generation Z:people born in mid 90’s and 2000). They go to bed late and experience disturbance in sleep, headaches, mood swings, and more stress related symptoms. Social media can be a help or something that causes stress depending on how is being used. Learning how to manage and limit social media can limit stress, but if our young people are using it as way to seek happiness they can end up worse because there is such a diverse of lives that they can end up comparing theirs with and instead of feeling better they can end up worse.

Eating better and staying active, physically socializing and exercising is a great for young people to manage stress, reaching out to seek mental health professionally, counseling, therapy, finding a life coach or mentor can be very helpful to manage and minimize stress as well. Learning coping skills and how to address a situation to manage that stress effectively when it arises will help all of us to manage that stress effectively.

People are really feeling the effects of the environment and we need to be aware of what goes around us, which means that although the environment isn’t getting better we need to work harder at staying better and not letting it affect us. Whatever the issue is people should be active in those issue but understand that in life we can only control our thoughts, our actions and our own feelings—not anyone else’s. Therefore, the way things turn out to be might not always be the way we wish for but we can control the way we react to it.

We need to help our generation Z understand that reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. Break the stigma. Working today on what we want to see tomorrow is the key to opening the door for the place we want to enter later. We all want to be safe in life, no one wants to be in danger, even those who have thoughts of hurting themselves know that they want to be hugged, and finding that safe haven starts by reaching out and asking for help. A lot of young people mistakingly speak base on thoughts and not true feeling and as adults (if you’re and adult reading this) is our job to step in and help.

If you’re under the age of 25 don’t feel like you’re weak or broken or immature, please know that you’re capable and use this as a guide to understanding yourself and perhaps helping others find a better way to managing stress.

Everyday is a new opportunity (as I always say) to begin again.

Today is the day today we’ve been given another opportunity to live, love, give thanks, love God, yourself, the creations, others, and enjoy life!

As always—thinking of you,

Denise Kilby


©️2018 Denise Kilby Life Coaching & Spiritual Counseling. All right reserved.

Anger and Lack of Communication

Humility Leads to Intimacy

Another key component of intimacy, as we read today, is humility. Humility brings us closer to others, since we prefer our spouse over ourselves. Too often we can think of marriage as a punctuation game where one of us has to “win”; unfortunately, if one of you “wins”, both lose. In marriage, both win or neither wins. That is why they should approach each other with humility and honesty, ready to serve each other. Nothing will bring you more intimacy in your marriage than humiliating yourself and recognizing every defect, frustration and imperfection that you have. Once you do this, then you can extend and receive grace with each other. And when do you do that? Just observe how deep you are going.

The Bible encourages the husband to enjoy this life that they are given with their wives

 [a]Live joyfully with the wife whom you love all the days of your vain life which He has given you under the sun, all your days of vanity; for that is your portion in life, and in the labor which you perform under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9 New King James Version NKJV)

I was watching a presentation video from school once and I heard Dr. Tim Clinton say “That can be very difficult when you sit down to think about everything that separates and tears a marriage apart right?” Those words touched the bottom of my heart and inspire me write this, “tear a marriage apart”. Can you stop for a second and think what are the reason that separate a marriage? Everything that separates a relationship seems to be bigger than what unites it. We do not expect a marriage to exist without anger but for a marriage to exist there must be communication, even in the midst of anger.

Approximately 90% of Americans get married, but between 40/50% separate what this means is that one in 4/5 divorce every day-this is because of “all the things that separate us/tear us apart”.

All the burdens of life, the mental and physical illnesses, the financial burdens, the burdens of work, the lack of time together, the responsibilities in the church, with the children … the hidden tears, and then we say this is not “as it should be” (we have a false perception of what it should be-once size does not fit all), schedules overloaded in our lives and we say “I did not signed up for this”, and we end up creating relationships where we are extremely loaded and discouraged, with an anguished soul that grieves the Spirit of God to the point that the Holy Spirit can no longer minister to us (I’m speaking to those who have a Christian faith now). This is for those who know God and have it, those who do not know him, perish-they get divorced and end up from one marriage to another because even in their sinful nature they understands deep in their  soul that God’s perfect intention is that we are not alone.

People who suffer in marriages or relationships end up in a state of disaffection (not affection) of disaffection, this happens because of pain, abuse, loneliness, stress, and all the things that are part of of daily life and that somehow work against relationships (intentionally or unintentionally) if there is a lack of communication and there is room for anger.

Nobody wants to live like this, nobody wants to be in that place, in that emotional, spiritual or physical state (because it brings physical wear too), discouragement, fatigue and even bad appearance. If we sit down to think about the things that are working against our marriages we can understand that not all the time are our spouses. Moreover, we can become the best friends of our spouses unite as warriors to defeat in prayer everything that gets in the way and wants to impede our communication.

They are spiritual wars, satanic, evil attacks that are behind the marriage because it is an agreement ordained by God, it is sacred is a soul, spiritual and corporal union that brings peace and strength. And Satan wants us weak (we reprimand the wickedness of the devil and the time in which [if ever] we gave him power).

Sometimes we bring and carry bad references of our pasts, of what they have told us, of what we let others say about us. We load that into our curriculum, our emotional resume, and bring it into our new marital relationships as if that holds any value, forgetting devaluing the word of God by doing so.

When He says through His word in:Hebrews 8:13

13 In that He says, “A new covenant,” He has made the first obsolete. Now what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away. (New King James Version (NKJV)

Perhaps the way in which we show love is not the way our spouse would like then there will be a wrong door, communication is lost, because the message does not arrive… it’s not that we do not love, we love in our own way. We must love the way others need us to love them, and it is in our spouses to communicate how they like to be loved, to pray together so that the spirit of God reveals to both of them the path they have to walk.

We live in the era of the microwave, we want everything solved quickly, all without having to watch it, that others solve it for us. We do not want to veil the hole, we do not want to cook the roast or make the soups, we just want to heat the barbecue or buy the food and heat it up(we are talking about the marriage relationship still ya’ know so stop ya’ stomach here). This needs condiments, prayer, physical contact, fasting, tears, nakedness of the soul, talks that discover the colors of the heart and take out the skeletons of the closet to know why to pray for one another. Many times without realizing with our behavior and words we distance our spouses and they begin to look for security in another place.

The bible says that we should not sin in our anger, which shows that anger was a God given feeling-meaning that in our anger of FAITH (hope) we can reach and achieve great things, but if we use that feeling in a negative way we can make lots of errors and sin against God.

Expressing emotions is necessary, talking about what we feel is one of the greatest needs for our souls. —Denise

There is so much power in anger

How can we have anger and not sin in our marriage?

Believing that I can still use what I have inside, to be humble, grow intimately attached to my spouse, and apply it in a correct way, recognizing that I can still use it to achieve what WE want.

    1.  Talk about your emotions – Stabilize a place where you can clearly talk about what you feel, without judging one another and then take what does not please God in prayer (a place that does not hurt anyone or is near children ).
    2. Manage anger (or what is said to be unpleasant) – Learn to handle anger: How to calm yourself how to respond instead of reacting “He who is slow to anger is great of understanding; But he who is impatient in spirit exalts foolishness. ” (Proverbs 14:29 RVR1960)
    1.  Act don’t react: Read James 1:19-20  as often as needed!!! Listening and Doing “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires”.  —That verse will teach you to act and not react. In life we need to learn how to take action, to avoid unwanted reactions.
  1. Let love reign: “And if I had prophecy, and understood all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I had all faith, so as to remove the mountains, and have no love, I am nothing. And if I distribute all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, and have no love, it is of no use to me. ” (1 Corinthians 13: 2-3 RVR1960)

We can’t survive without one another, we must love each other unconditionally, take care of the spouse that God placed on your hands and know that you must submit to one another in love like no other.

“I, then, prisoner in the Lord, beg you to walk as is worthy of the vocation with which you were called, with all humility and meekness, bearing with patience one another in love,” (Ephesians 4: 1-2 NKJ1960)

Even the love we give to conjugate, to our children and to other people reflects what we are and how we give by grace what we have received by grace. Not just because he loves us first, but rather because we want to live to worship Him with our lives.

“For by grace you are saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God; not for works, so that no one can boast. ” (Ephesians 2: 8-9 NKJ1960)

It is necessary to fight, cry and even leave our drool and snot on the altars if necessary. God wants us to fight for what we want! Let’s fight hard, ask God to give us the courage, anger and humbleness to fight with for what we want, to be encouraged by His Holy Spirit, to teach us the right path, to take away from us all the pain of the past and allow us to communicate with one another without anger and in the peace that only the blood of Christ can give. In the name of Jesus, Amen!

Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.

(Psalm 126: 5NIV)

God bless you,

Denise Kilby

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